Pieced
together from letters written over the course of the last few months
Hey
Kara,
Yup.
I'm doing another letter. If I'm counting right, this is the second one that’s
appeared on my blog. I hope you won't mind. They say it helps a grieving person
to write a letter like this.
I
miss you, friend I’ve never met. I miss you a lot. You have impacted my life so
deeply. Your godly wisdom and way of words has gradually made its way into the
very fabric of my being that abandoning it all would be like denying a part of
who I am. Thank you for obeying when God prompted to share your story with the
world. I wouldn’t be who I am today without knowing you and your story.
Ellie
Holcomb is singing, “The Broken Beautiful” as I was drafting these first set of
these words. I feel so grateful you introduced me to her music. She often
reminds me of the abundant grace that I desperately depend on to get through
every day. Life hasn't gotten any easier since you met Jesus face to face. If
anything, it's gotten harder. But as you always said, He is enough and He will
provide. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone this deep into my grief. Honestly,
I’ve been avoiding it because I know how messy it can get. But lately, I’ve
been reminded of how Jesus graciously meets me in that mess, and never leaves
me to tackle it on my own. It’s breathtaking. Don’t you love that we serve a
God who will never leave or abandon us?
I’m
sure you saw Story learn to ride a bike and see Ella get her permit and learn
how to drive. (I still cringe every time I realize that I barely know how to
drive even though I’m 3 years older than Ella.) I know you must be endlessly
proud of your kids. Shortly after you met Jesus, Blythe posted about how your
kids were choosing joy even in the midst of their grief. I look to them often
to see how I should be choosing joy in the midst of my own grief. Thank you for
teaching them so much about Jesus and how suffering isn’t the absence of His
goodness. Thank you for sharing so much about your people with your readers.
You’ve spoken so fondly of them and loved them so well when you were here; I
don’t think I’ll ever forget the love you graciously poured out upon them. I
pray I may still be able to get the chance to grow relationships with Jason,
Ella, Harper, Lake, and Story one day before we all reunite. I’ve had specific
dreams of building a friendship with Ella despite our age difference. I hope
that’s alright with you.
I’m
also sure you already knew about this “beautiful intruder” that has recently entered
your family. I’m so happy for everyone, but I’m still surprised that it
happened so quickly. Yet I trust that Jason and Sarah made the right choice.
When I first heard the news, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I had a feeling
this would happen at some point. I just didn’t expect everything to progress so
quickly. I thought years passed before widows were ready to open their hearts
to the possibility of marriage again.
I
still can’t believe it’s been two years since you flew away. So much has
happened since then but I still remember it so well. My birthday will never be
the same again. If it wasn’t for the gift box I opened from dear friends of
mine after reading the post from that fateful day, the day would have been a
lot worse. I still find it interesting that your cancer journey started 9 days
after your birthday but ended 9 days after mine. Maybe it’s a God-wink; I dunno
for sure. I still remember the heaviness I felt in my heart when I read Jason’s post on my 17th birthday. I also vividly remember the moment when I first read
the letter Mickey wrote three days before you met Jesus. I still remember how I
felt when my eyes first laid upon the words, “I think this week you lovelies
should prepare your hearts.” I still remember the heaviness on my heart from
that moment all the way until I saw the dreaded Facebook post. I remember the
drop in my stomach I felt leaving church hours before getting the news that
night. I knew something was wrong; I just couldn’t articulate it.
I
can still see myself opening up Facebook as I was taking a break from making
the last few adjustments to the Huckleberry
Finn alphabet book I was making for my English class. I still remember
tossing and turning for at least an hour after reading the post. I remember
recalling what you said in The Hardest
Peace about the moment it was all over because of how that just because a
reality. I remember waking up to a beautiful sunrise and realizing it was
because you were finally Home at last. I remember crying silent tears as I boarded
the bus that day.
I
remember crying silent tears in English during 8th period because the fact you
were gone suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks again. I somehow stayed composed
from the bus ride through 7th period, but the dam suddenly broke 8th period.
I’m not even sure why. I remember writing sentences after school for the vocab words we got in
class. The majority of them were about you because I couldn't
think of anything else to write about. I was relieved my teacher didn't comment
on it because I was pretty sure I would be in a puddle of tears before I could
get a word out. I remember taking an exam in math the next day and then finding
out that I got a 63 later that week. I remember taking a Spanish quiz sometime that week in a haze
because of my grief and then retaking it again because my teacher was kind
enough to extend me grace even though he didn’t know what I was going through.
I remember crying all during worship during Bible study and a friend asking
about my heavy heart after. I didn’t have the strength to tell her the
whole story. I could only quietly mutter something that was supposed to be me
telling her that “stuff had happened” that week.
Mickey
has told me a few times that we would have gotten along really well. I
appreciate her words so much, but it just deepens my regret for not reaching
out to you before you met Jesus. Even with everything that led to your
Homecoming, I guess my mind was still wrestling with my usual insecurities and
also with the lie that there was so much more to your story. Now I know that
was all really foolish of me. I’m currently working to change that. I know full
well how precious life is. I just have to be courageous enough and take more
risks to prove to the rest of the world that I really believe that.
Speaking
of Mickey, I’ve posted the poem John Blasé read at your memorial service to
Facebook a few times since you flew away. I love it so much. I remember one
time when I had quoted the ending. Mickey commented, “I love these words by
John. So beautifully spoken about our girl.” Did you catch that? She said, “our” as in, “yours and mine”. In that simple statement, it felt like Mickey was
acknowledging my own grief. What freedom I felt when I realized that. If I
said, “I wish you were here,” every second of every day, it still wouldn't be
enough. You left such a huge mark on the world. I can hear it in the way your
girlfriends talk about you. I can also tell by reading the comments people post online. I wouldn't be surprised to see a huge accumulation of gold, silver,
and precious stone in your mansion when we finally meet. Until then, I'll be
here living out everything you've taught me.
I
have no doubt you're enjoying Heaven so far. I hope you have that farm you've
always wanted. I also hope you've met some of my other friends already. With
both Jesus and you in Heaven, I know they are all in good hands until they are
reunited with their friends and family again. I'm sure there have been many
extravagant parties as many faithful servants of the Lord have entered eternity
after you did. A specific faithful servant I’ve been wondering about is Rowan. How
is he? I hope he and his friends haven’t caused too much trouble~
This
month marks 3 months since he entered the arms of Jesus. It’s still hard to
believe sometimes. I’ve had to send many kids I love to Heaven, but none of
them has been as hard as having to let Rowan go. All of this has made me think
of that conversation you had with Jill at the playground one day about trusting
God even if your worst fears become a reality. I had fears of Rowan dying for
weeks, mostly for selfish reasons. His positive attitude has given me the
courage to face my own hard. I wasn’t sure how not having that light in my life
would impact me. If I’m being honest, it’s been hard. Really hard. It hurts so
much. He’s constantly on my mind.
In
other news, the MFC is amazing. I'm sure you know about it by now. Mickey
always called you a gatherer. I kinda always believed it, but now I'm
convinced. I know you would have loved to participate if you were still here.
Everyone in the group is such grace. I often hesitate before I post prayer
requests because I don't want to be a burden. But I've come to realize that
it's ok ‘cause prayer can do wonders. I've made so many amazing friends. Blythe, Stacey, and Ellie do an amazing job of keeping all 4,932 of us in line. I can see why they were given the position of admins for the group. Marcia
is such a gifted artist and Anne is so great with words. Connie Sue is such an
amazing prayer warrior. She often takes the time to type out her prayers for our
requests. Victoria is so strong and has an amazing sense of humor. Karen has
such a huge heart for her people and is so witty and wise all at the same time. I could go on and on, but then this would drag on longer than it already has. If I’m being honest, I'm slightly jealous of the MFC sisters that you've
already had the privilege to meet up with. I can't wait to be there with you
all.
I’m
sorry this ended up as me rambling so much; I’ve just had a lot to say.
If I’m being honest, I’ve hit some new lows over the last 2 years that I never
wanted to hit. But Jesus is enough. I love that part about who He is. I love
His pursuing love for each one of us. It takes my breath away every time I
think about it. The fact that Jesus still recklessly loves me in all my messy
is a truth that will take me a while to fully understand because I know I don’t
deserve it.
See
you soon,
Yahan
