Kusudamas, Cutouts, and Play-doh, oh my!

I've done more art this week than I had in months, and I loved it. I forgot how much I loved creating. 

What I've made this past week

The flower balls are called kusudamas. I first learned to make them at a summer camp a few years ago. After I learned how to make them, I became hooked and I've been making them ever since. I like to compare making a kusudama to a triathlon since there are three main parts to the process. Each kusudama is composed of 12 flowers that have five petals each. If you do the math, that comes to a total of 60 petals. You have to cut out the square for each petal, fold all of them and then glue everything together. You have to glue each petal together and then glue five flowers to each other to make one complete flower. Once you have all twelve flowers, you have to glue them together six at a time to make two halves. You don't glue all 12 at once because you want to attach a loop of string in the middle so you have something to hang it from. It's also a bit of a puzzle since you have to make sure the two halves will fit together before you glue them to each other. As you can imagine, sixty little pieces of paper scattered across a desk can create quite the mess.

My desk in the middle of the process. 

One of the kusudamas I made was for my dear friend Rowan. He is currently in the midst of a critical stem cell transplant process. I recently found out that things didn't go so well the first time, so he has to start back at square one. I wrestled with this news longer than I'd like to admit. One night last week as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking, "Lord, why are you making Rowan go through all of this again? Hasn't he already been through enough?" Then the thing I tell myself whenever fear tries to steal my peace came to mind: "God knew this was going to happen, and He's going to bring good out of it. Just trust Him." I also tried telling myself that same night, "Rowan trusts Jesus wholeheartedly, and it's his life, his body. If he can have faith, you can too."

Last week, I sent out Rowan's kusudama along with some Play-doh. It costed way more than I imagined it would to ship, which would usually be a thought that consumes me for hours. As that came to mind, I realized I wasn't as upset about the shipping fee as I usually would be. I then realized it was because I didn't care how much it cost. My only goal was to give Rowan a well-deserved break from his hard and let him have a bit of fun.

And then I thought, "If only it were that easy."

You see, I would switch places with Rowan in a heartbeat so he could go back to doing all the things he loves.

I wish cutting off all my hair meant that his could grow back and make the swelling in his face disappear.

I wish I could buy enough Play-doh and draw enough pictures of Bigfoot to bribe his body to accept the cells from the first attempt of the transplant.

I wish wearing my 'Rally for Rowan' shirt automatically meant Rowan was going to have a good day.

I am so thankful that Rowan's faith is so strong. It never ceases to amaze me. His positive attitude is nothing short of amazing either. There are so many things I could share, but for time's sake, here's one story that really made an impact on me.

Rowan's chemo treatment made him lose all his hair. When he noticed, he got upset. His mom thought it was because that he was losing his hair, but he said it was really because all the hair that had fallen out was making a mess that he never wanted to make in the first place.

If that's not selflessness, then I don't know what is. His selflessness is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. That's why seeing him like this hurts so much. If you're a praying person, please pray for Rowan as he continues to walk through this hard story that he has humbly received.

Rowan with his kusudama

A Glimpse Inside my Mind

I guess I'll stick to this routine of sharing my heart on Tuesdays. Unfortunately for this week though, I don't have a set topic. So here's a glimpse into the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the course of this past week.

I've been missing Camp Judah a lot lately. I hope I'm not the only one. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart because it's where I officially chose to follow Jesus for the rest of my life the summer before 8th grade. When you're detail-oriented like me, and when you miss something so much, every little thing can be a trigger. It didn't take long for me to find the similarities between college and camp. We have to walk relatively far just to get from one place to another and we have to leave early to allow us to get the travel time we need. Also, the weekly meetings for one of the Christian groups on campus (CRU) are a lot like the chapel services at camp. Lastly, as luck would have it, we recently had a (sort of) water shortage on campus when the hot water was turned off for construction purposes. I am literally counting down the days until I can step foot onto Camp Hickory Hill again. I'm hoping my friends will be able to come with me this year. I want them to be able to experience all the joys of camp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone who is very dear to me recently told me and everyone else that loves her that she was starting hospice care. As you can imagine, her news was devastating for all of us to hear. I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time the night I heard the news. The only time I remember tossing and turning in bed before finally falling asleep for an hour or more was when Kara flew away to Heaven about a year and a half ago. I set a new record the other night. It took me three hours to finally give in to sleep. I'm one of those people who always look to the future. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about some other people I love who are currently battling cancer. Barring a miracle, I'm expecting the day when the time to support them through their last leg of their journey Home to come around at some point. To say I'm dreading that day is an understatement. I'm praying it won't come for a very long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lastly, this past week had grief hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm not even sure why ('cause grief is weird). I was thinking it was because September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and I've been thinking about all the kids I know who have battled cancer with everything they had to give but unfortunately still didn't make it. It still makes me lose my breath when I realize I know more kids that have unfortunately lost their battles than survivors. They weren't kidding when they said cancer was the leading cause of death by disease in kids.

I've also been missing Kara a whole lot lately too. Even though it's been a year and a half since she flew away, my grief is still as raw and messy as it was when I saw the dreaded Facebook post all those months ago. The anniversary of the beginning of the Facebook group that was set up as a part of her legacy was this past week, and looking back on our first year together made me miss her a ton. A lot of times when I'm browsing through the posts in the group, I think to myself, "I wish Kara was here to participate in our wonderful community. She would have loved it."

One of the many things Kara has taught me was that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship, but because I'm me, I tend to bottle up tears until I get some sort of trigger that tells my heart it's safe to let them all out. So over the weekend, I found myself revisiting Raising Izzie, a movie I had first seen with a friend of mine. The main characters of the movie had lost their mom to cancer, and seeing them walk through their grief reminded me of what Kara's kids are currently walking through. It didn't help that Izzie's older sister Gertie's big sister love really reminded me of Kara's oldest, Ella.

In the midst of my own grief, I have often felt regret over the fact that I didn't reach out to Kara sooner. I know God's timing is perfect and all that, but the regret is still there. Since the Facebook group that is a part of Kara's legacy began, I have come to know some of her people, and it has been a tremendous blessing. Two of those people happen to be Kara's brother and one of her mentors. Both of them have told me on more than one occasion about how well Kara and I would have gotten along this side of Heaven. Whenever I hear that, the same two thoughts often come to my mind at the exact same time: 1) "Really, that's awesome!" and 2) "Grr... Why didn't I take the time to send Kara an email or something before she met Jesus?" As much as I greatly appreciate those words, hearing them just makes me miss Kara more, if that's even possible.

Because of all this, something I've been thinking about is how God often takes something away so He can give us something better. I am so ready for the something better, but I often wish that He didn't have to take some of the people in my life who have definitely changed me for the better. They were already so great, I can't imagine how things could possibly get better, but I trust God. He knows what He's doing.

So... Yeah. There's the inside of my head for you all. Not feeling too proud right now, but sometimes you just gotta wrestle through stuff and write it down to help you process it all.

What thoughts are you struggling with today? How can you find peace in the midst of your own questions and struggles? How can you trust God with your questions today?

An Open Letter to my Friends

Hey guys,

I’ve been writing this in my head over this last week or so. I thought it was finally time to get my thoughts down.

Ever since we all first met, there was no doubt in my mind that it was providence that had brought us all together. Unfortunately, I've been wrestling with doubt for a very long time. I had big dreams for our friendship right from the get go, and because I’m me, I imagined they would become a reality right away, especially since we’ve all gotten the chance to know one another before stepping foot on campus. I keep forgetting that’s not how things go. I’m just impatient by nature, please forgive me.

Just wanted to start things off by saying that I admire your courage. I'm the kind of person that likes to play it safe, so I don't think I could ever muster up the courage to go study in an relatively unfamiliar environment for four years of my life. I pray you may never lose this courage. It will come in handy for future hard.

Even though it’s only been a few months, I have already gotten to know some pretty awesome things about each of you. Despite this, I know there’s still a lot I have to learn. I don’t know how friendships and community have treated you in the past, but I bet I can almost guarantee that you still carry wounds from people who have hurt you in the past. As much as I wish I could, I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any different. I’m still human, which means I still have rough edges. I hope that you’ll all be able to come to me and ask for forgiveness whenever I've hurt you. When I have, I am more than willing to have you come to me about and work things out. I will definitely strive to do the same. If I ever isolate myself, please be assured it has nothing to do with you guys. The hard I’m currently walking through needs me to just be by myself for a while sometimes. I tend to have a lot of news to process at once, so I just need some time to myself. I pray you guys will be able to understand.

Thank you for bringing the community and friendship my heart has always wanted into my life. I pray our friendship will only grow as time goes on. I know I’ve shared bits and pieces of my story with each of you. I pray I may be able to get to know your own unique story as we spend time together. I pray hearing about the hard I've been through would not scare you or have you pity me, but rather show you that suffering isn’t the absence of goodness, because it isn't. I hope me being open about my hard won’t come across as me trying to prove that what I’ve been through isn’t easy but rather be the starting point for us to all be able to come together and share our hard together. I pray we may be able to be open and honest with each other about our struggles, and that we would always stick together, no matter what hard comes our way. I want to get to know the real you. I want to ask hard questions and be asked hard questions in return. I want to show how much sharing a meal together means to me. I want to cook together and not be able to find anything because you guys have been misplacing everything, not knowing where things are supposed to be. I want to go on road trips and long flights together and explore more of what this world has to offer. I recently revisited an article about four friends who were friends for almost their entire lives and turned 100 together. Even though I know our friendship has only just begun, but I still dream of a similar friendship for us. I want to navigate through all of life’s challenges together. I want to be able to look back on this season of our lives ten, twenty, even fifty years from now and reflect on both the amazing moments and the hard moments of our time together. I want to play piano and sing together like the night after our first run together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night and what an amazing experience it was for me. I pray more nights like that are in store for the future. We already share a love for show tunes; I hope you'll come to love some of my other favorite artists like Ellie Holcomb.

I want to be able to trust you with my heart and my burdens and have the privilege to carry you through yours. Just the other day, I was dreaming of when we would be in the habit of scheduling coffee dates and meals just to enjoy each another's company. I pray that will be a reality in the near future. Another thing I was dreaming about recently was all of us going to camp together. Next to seeing you guys come to know Christ, that’s the biggest dream I have for all four of us. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart since it’s where I officially dedicated my life to Christ after experiencing His presence firsthand there the summer before eighth grade. I have seen so many other amazing things happen at camp since then. It’s also a really fun experience. The efforts of all the directors and the other staff to make it as fun as possible definitely pay off. Many of my fondest memories of camp are so closely tied to the daily muster skits and special events. I want to dream up muster skits, cabin decorations and team entrances together, cheer you on as you go down the slip and slide and struggle through the tough mudder with your cabinmates, and maybe even create a rivalry between us. (Facetious, of course. Which reminds me: Team Joshua is always better than Team Caleb, no matter what team you end up on.) I suck at describing things, so I pray you may just be able to trust me. I pray you would be willing to be a part of it all. I have lots of concerns over the logistics, but I trust that whatever comes will be good.

I greatly appreciate how open you guys are when it comes to my faith, especially since a lot of people's knew during high school weren't, so thanks for that. If you haven't noticed already, my faith is such a huge part of who I am. I am always happy to answer any questions that you guys have about choosing to follow Jesus. I want to be able to show you guys more about who God is with the hopes that you’ll come to love Him as much as I do. Like I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t until the summer before eighth grade when I truly decided to follow Jesus. I had been baptized before then, but I was still living in my flesh, so I wasn’t really maturing spiritually. The hard I walked through the year before greatly made me realize my need for Jesus, so that’s when things really turned around for me. A lot has happened since then, and it has been both hard and amazing. I have stories to tell of when I have hit rock bottom, but I also have stories of how God showed up and did amazing things. I fervently pray and wish you won't have to hit the lows that I have, but I can’t promise anything. However, I do pray that amazing things will continue to happen all throughout your life.

Sorry that this ended up being so long; I knew I would ramble. Thanks for sticking through and hearing my heart. You all mean the world to me, and not much is going to change that.

Here’s to a great four years,
Yahan

The Beginning of a New School Year

It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened lately. I'm not even sure where to start. I just thought I would stop by quickly to share my heart.

I am now officially a college freshman. Even with the obstacles I've had to face already, everything has been amazing so far. I've already made some new friends, and I can't wait to continue making more.

On the topic of starting school, it fully hit me a few days ago how fast time has actually passed over the last few years. Shortly after I started considering the church I currently attend to be my home church, I remember looking ahead to the future and doing the math. I still vividly remember thinking back when I was in middle school about how when I was a senior in high school, some of my younger sisters in Christ would be where I was then. I then came to the conclusion that some of them would be freshman in high school when I became a freshman in college. Well, now that time has come. I recall reading personal narratives back when I was a freshman in high school where the authors mentioned how fast high school went by. After just finishing that season of my life, I can personally attest to how fast the years go. It's hard to believe that the kids I grew up with are now teenagers and taller than me. 

I have loved watching them all grow up both mentally and spiritually over the years. We have all come a long way over the last few years. Because I'm me, I have fears over my younger brothers and sisters in Christ as they begin a new school year, but I have no doubt that God will continue doing amazing things through and among us all. No matter what's in store, I'm looking forward to it all. I know and trust that God's will for all of us will be for our good.

Jesus, thank you for my church community. Thank you for the deep love we share for one another. As we prepare for the school year ahead, I pray you may equip each and every one of us with what we need to impact our world for You. May everything we do bring glory to Your kingdom. I pray this school year would teach each and everyone of us that our nearness to You is our only good. I pray we may grow closer to each other and be able to be open, honest, and vulnerable about our hard with each other. I have no doubt great things will happen during this upcoming school year. In Your name, amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How about you? Are you starting a new season of your life? How will you use this new season of your life to grow? What are your personal goals for this upcoming school year?