To My Fellow Seniors

I have so much to say; where do I start?

I guess I'll start by apologizing. I know it’s weird to start off like this, but I really do regret the fact that I never really made the most out of the time that I got with you all. Hearing about some of your hards throughout this past school year and reflecting back on all the times I could have shown up for you has been hard for my heart. I want to put an end to that trend and start anew. The last thing I want to leave high school with is the feeling that I may have hurt some of you. If that's the case, don't be afraid to come to me about it. I am more than willing to repent if it's needed. After thinking about it for a very long time, I thought I would write to you all before we go our separate ways. I’ve had the privilege of sharing my heart with others before, but this is my first time doing it with such a large group. Please give me grace as I try to express my jumbled thoughts.

Something that I’ve been pondering for months is community. Ever since we first met, I felt distance from you all because of the hard I was walking through at the time. Don’t blame any of yourselves for this though; it’s none of your faults. I now understand why I felt that way. If I never went through the hard I was dealing with at the time, I would have never been traveling the path I’m on now. If I’d never walked this path, I would have never learned how beautiful life really is. I would have also never gained the eyes to recognize that beauty among us.

I don't know about any of you, but a lot has happened to me since we first met all those years ago. Not all of it has been easy, but I know it’s still all worth it. There are still days when my grief over everyone in my life who has gone before me is so close to the surface that it physically hurts. I sincerely hope you never have and never will experienced the pain and heartbreak I have walked through. Despite my pain, I know that this was how beauty was supposed to grow in me. I have no doubt that each of your stories are beautiful as well. I pray you may be able to find the beauty in your own story, no matter how messy or complicated it is. I pray each one of us will not be ashamed of the scars we carry from our pasts, but that we may be able to use those wounds to help us grow. Not just grow as individuals, but also grow as a community. I remember all of us struggling to find our footing when we first stepped into Barker, but we managed to figure things out pretty well over the years. I love the community that has developed among us over the years. My hope for us as a class is that we may go deeper into the relationships we currently have with one another. I pray the bonds formed in this season of our lives may continue to grow even as we part ways after graduation. I hope we may continue to learn how to love one another well even if we are hundreds of miles apart. I pray we may be able to build strong relationships based upon trust and vulnerability. If you notice someone who is struggling, don't be afraid to pursue their hurting heart and ask them about it. I know it’s a hard muscle to learn, but pursuing others and loving them in all their messy and brokenness is always worth it. Genuine happiness and joy are often found after traveling a hard road with someone you love. I pray we may all be willing to walk each other through our hards as we grow up.

I pray this new season we’re heading into will teach us to embrace the joys of life. Not just in the big things like walking across the stage at graduation, but the small things as well:

~A coffee date with friends
~Sharing a meal around a table full of people that love you
~Turning up the loud music up and dancing as you make dinner
~S'mores and stories around a campfire
~Something on Instagram that speaks to your heart
~The friends who know the good, bad, and ugly in your story and are still by your side today
~A beautiful sunrise or sunset
~Driving past beautiful scenery
~Something to laugh about when you least expected it

No matter how hard and desperate things may seem, grace can always be found. Suffering is not the absence of goodness. I pray we may never take anything for granted and that we may be able to find the little bits of goodness that are sprinkled into each and every day of our lives. I pray we may be able to to learn the art of treating everyone in our world with kindness, especially when it's hard.

I pray some of you are already walking with Jesus. If you are, I pray you may always be near to Him. I hope you may still be able to make time for God in the midst of your busyness. I pray you may always seek Him whenever your heart grows weary. He is the well that never runs dry. As a new season of your life starts, I pray you may learn your own mind, your own strength, and how Jesus will carry you when you reach the limits of that strength. I pray your faith may deepen to a depth I can only imagine. Don’t be afraid to pour out the love that Jesus has lavished upon you into those in your life who are hurting. We are called to love like He loves, which a selfless love that pursues the broken-hearted.

If you have made it this far into my words, thank you for sticking through and being willing to hear my heart. I want close by sharing one of my favorite songs. It greatly embodies what I want to say as we all go our separate ways. I pray God may bless each of us in whatever we decide to pursue with this gift of time that we have been given. I also pray we may be granted the grace to gather again 10, 20, and even 50 years from now. May we all have peace over any fears we may have about this new chapter of our lives.

Blessings,
Yahan

Review for Her Texas Family

Her Texas Family by Jill Lynn

I am so glad I didn't let my procrastination get to me when I heard about the opportunity to review this book. I loved Her Texas Family so much, I finished it within a few days. Jill is such an amazing writer. Listening to her speak on the Mundane Faithfulness podcast and in various interviews has allowed me to learn a lot about her. (I also learned we have quite a bit in common at the same time ;)) Despite this, it was through Her Texas Family where I saw another side to Jill: one where she showed off her wit and her strong foundation in the truth of the gospel all at the same time. 

I loved the characters in Her Texas Family. I immediately fell in love with Mattie because she was so much like me when I was her age. Graham is such a good father that it was hard for me to not like him. (The fact that we both have a passion for medicine drew me towards to him as well.) Also, reading about Graham's love and grief for his late wife brought a bittersweet reminder of Jason to my mind. And Lucy… Let's just say that she’s the person you'll have a love-hate relationship with because of how she can be at times ;) 

I am not one to like romance novels, but I definitely give this one 5 stars. Run -don't walk- to get your copy. You won't regret it~

A Day I Never Want to Forget

I really wish our brains worked the way they do in Inside Out. I want yesterday's church service to be a core memory. I never want to forget what happened. 

Funny enough, it started out as an usual church service. We went through the habitual Scripture memorization and teaching, both led by my friend's mom. We learned from Psalm 9:1-10 yesterday. 

Psalm 9

For the director of music. To the tune of “The Death of the Son.” A psalm of David.

1 I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

3 My enemies turn back;

they stumble and perish before you.

4 For you have upheld my right and my cause,

sitting enthroned as the righteous judge.

5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;

you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

6 Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,

you have uprooted their cities;

even the memory of them has perished.

7 The Lord reigns forever;

he has established his throne for judgment.

8 He rules the world in righteousness

and judges the peoples with equity.

9 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

We started talking using these verses to talk about how powerful God is and how much He cares for us, which led to a discussion about the homework assignment my youth pastor gave us last Sunday. He wanted us to write about what Jesus meant to us, why we needed Him, and to also choose Scripture that related to our testimonies. I couldn't wait to start after church because I immediately knew what I would be writing about. However, I had no idea we would be presenting them in front of everyone. When I heard that would be a requirement, I immediately wished I could go hide in a corner. I was not prepared to share at all. Being the kids they are, my little sisters in Christ begged harassed asked nicely for me to share what I've written, so I reluctantly gave in.

The next thing I knew, I was up talking in front of everyone. This was the first time I've ever shared my testimony with others, so of course I was a nervous wreck. My testimony is directly related to how God redeemed me through a very dark season in my past, so I got all choked up as I began to speak. I was only able to get out the three main points of what I wrote before I was to overcome with emotion to speak. When I was done, I was bombarded with hugs by my younger sisters in Christ. I have seen them each grow immensely in their own unique way of big love over the past year, and it's amazing. I really hope they will each continue their journey of learning how to love others well.

Back to the story: I was also nervous about sharing with them because until yesterday, I hadn't really seen evidence that God was working in their hearts. 

I had no idea I was about to hear amazing things. Everyone shared tidbits of wisdom that I didn't know they had in them. I immediately knew that I was wrong, and that the Holy Spirit was definitely working inside of them. 

I will always treasure what my younger siblings in Christ shared, but I will never forget what my younger brother shared. He talked about how watching the news every night made him frustrated because he wasn't really seeing God in any of it. I've seen him do life at home, and based on what I saw, I had almost given up hope that he still wanted to pursue Jesus. Hearing him share definitely renewed my faith in what God was doing in his life. 

It took me a few moments to fully comprehend everything he was saying. I had no idea he still had a passion for seeking Jesus. It was all I could do from crying at that point, and my tears came for the second time that morning. I'm usually the only one that cries at church, so I was surprised when I heard my youth pastor comment on how one of my younger sisters in Christ reacted to my brother's sharing the same way I did. 

One of the many lessons I learned from my mentor Kara is that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship. Witnessing my sister's tears introduced me to a tenderness in her that I had never seen before. Even more of my tears came in that moment. 

It took almost an hour for everyone to share their stories, so worship got pushed back a bit. I like things to run on a tight schedule, so I usually would be upset once I noticed worship was postponed for that long. I didn't even care about that yesterday; my heart was too full after hearing everyone's testimonies. 

My prayer is that what I saw yesterday is only the beginning. One of my heart's deepest desires is for the kids at my church grow up to be amazing men and women that will always live out the gospel. I always want to remember yesterday's church service as a reminder that God is still working in my younger brothers and sisters when I'm struggling to believe so.

Dear Jesus, 

Thank you so much for my church. Thank You for letting me be a part of it for almost 7 years. Even though we're just a humble house church, I know You are still working among us. I pray You will continue Your work so the next generation of our church will be able to start off strong. I pray our friendships with one another will always be built upon You. My prayer for us as a group is that we'll all be able to help one another to go deeper in our faith as we grow up together. I pray we may always be willing to show big love, kindness, and grace to one another, especially when it's hard.

Lord, You know how much these kids mean to me. Please help me love all of them like You do, especially when they need to experience Your love the most. I pray You'll guide all of us to grow into the men and women You want us to be. May we always be lights to everyone in our lives who don't yet know You. 

In Your Name, 

Amen

Goodbye 2015

As 2015 is drawing to a close, I've been reflecting on the events of this past year. A lot has happened both in my heart and in my own life. Because I'm me, I've been trying to prepare my heart for the year ahead. I still remember the moment from elementary school when I found out I would be graduating from high school in 2016. As much as I'm ready to move on with my life, seeing 2016 over and over again still gets me every time. I'm anticipating a lot of change in this upcoming year, and I'm hoping a lot of it is for the better. I have big dreams for my college years~

I know I've already said this, but a huge thank you to those of you who have supported me throughout this whole year. I honestly couldn't have done it without you. You are all gifts of grace to me that I never for one second deserved. ♥ Lastly, thank you Jesus for bringing me through this year. I couldn't have done this without You either. You have totally fulfilled some of my heart's deepest desires this year. Please teach me to continue trusting You with the dreams that have still yet to be a reality.

Best wishes to you and yours for 2016~

What I'm Thankful For

I'm not going to lie; this past year has not been easy. Despite this, I still have a ton to be thankful for. I've always tried to have a grateful heart for what God has blessed me with, but since it's that time of year, I thoughts I would share my heart with y'all.

Even with everything I've had to push through this past year, I am so thankful for:

~God's faithfulness and timing- One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is to give up my own sovereignty and trust in God's. I know He knows the desires of my heart, and I trust they will come to bloom in His time because His blessings have constantly showed up for me at the right time, especially when I definitely didn't deserve it.

~Amazing people in my life- My immediate family and my church family have always been a huge blessing. Even though they annoy me at times, I still love them to pieces. My online friends and the Mundane Faithfulness Community have also been amazing. Even though I've only gotten to know them all through the Internet, we've had a ton of meaningful conversations together and everyone's been great support to me through my hard.

~My health and safety- Even though I had to have surgery when I was very young, everything has been perfectly fine since. I have also been so blessed to not have never been in a seriously dangerous situation. I know this is all because of God's protection over me. Thank you Lord~

~Amazing role models in my life- I have been so blessed to witness amazing men and women of God do life and have them mentor me in my own walk of faith. Some have directly mentored to me, while others mentored me without even knowing it. Nonetheless, I am so grateful to have older brothers and sisters in Christ who will I can trust to always help me focus my eyes on Jesus.

~The promise of Heaven- I was dreaming of what Thanksgiving would like in Heaven just last night. I really hope people celebrate it there, because I got all excited as I was daydreaming. Also, someone in the Mundane Faithfulness Community brought up something a while ago about how we were all invited to her MFC party in Heaven. I can't wait to finally meet everyone~

I'm sure there are things I'm thankful for that haven't made it onto this list because of how forgetful I can be. I sincerely hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving will have an amazing one~

What are you thankful for despite the hard in your life? Do you often take the time to take your eyes off your struggles and focus on the blessings instead? Are there ways you could try to be more thankful throughout the entire year?

My Just Show Up Story

Argh, I broke my promise, as usual. I've started a personal journal recently, so I haven't been posting here as often as I promised.

For those of you that know me personally, you know I love the blog Mundane Faithfulness. God has done so much in my heart through Kara's story. About a month ago, Kara's friend Blythe started a Facebook group for all of us who have come to love Kara's story. I love interacting with other people who want to pursue Jesus even though they're walking their own heartbreak. Kara's new book that she wrote together with her Jill came out this month, and to stay with the book's theme of how to show up for others in their suffering, Blythe has asked everyone in the Mundane Faithfulness community to share their "Just Show Up" stories. I think it's time I share mine...

I've had a lot on my heart recently, but because of my shyness, it's hard for me to share what's going on with anyone. A lot of the people in my life aren't Christians, so I have trouble being open around them since a lot of my struggles have to do with my faith. It's also hard for me to share my heart with anyone at my church because all the other kids are still young; I don't want to burden them.

Even though the kids don't know my struggles, they constantly show up for me. My story has to do with one particular Sunday. All the details are a bit fuzzy since it was a few Sundays ago, but I remember the basics. Because it's hard for me to find venues to share my heart, I tend to keep things bottled up. Everyone reaches a maximum point where they can't keep it in anymore. For me, that's usually during worship because that's when I get the chance to sing out my heart to God. Sometimes I don't have the strength to sing out loud though. When that's the case, I just sit there with tears streaming down my face as my heart quietly sings along to the songs.

That was me the Sunday after I found out that my extended family most likely wouldn't be able to visit like we had originally planned. Having them visit was an event that I had been looking forward to for months, so I was devastated when I found out it wasn't going to happen. There were other burdens on my heart that Sunday, so those only added to my already heavy heart. I think I cried more that Sunday than in any other worship service.

And my friend was there with me the whole time.

She didn't know exactly what I was going through, but she showed up nonetheless and just hugged me through my tears. And for that I am extremely grateful. If you're that friend and you've somehow stumbled across this post, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You may be 5 years younger than me, but you've showed up for me in a big way that I will never forget. I love you sweet girl.

Grace Shows Up

Hey everyone,

Sorry for not posting during the past few weeks, I've had stuff going on again. xP School has also started, so if I disappear, that would most likely be the reason. I'll try my best to post every 1-2 weeks or so though.

A lot has happened since I last posted. For one, I'm excited about how God is still working through Kara's blog, Mundane Faithfulness even after she went Home to live with Jesus. Her friend Blythe, who inherited the blog, created a Facebook group for everyone who has been touched by Kara's story to gather together. It's only been three days and there are currently just over 4,000 people in the group; it's amazing. I am usually pretty hesitant about being added into groups on social media and I usually don't participate much either, but once I heard about the Mundane Faithfulness group, I couldn't wait to get started. I was overwhelmed by how accepting everyone was when I introduced myself and brought up a few prayer requests. I immediately knew I belonged.

When I first joined, I didn't expect to meet people my age. Of course, God exceeded my expectations and led me to not 1, but 3 other young women around my age who have also been touched by Kara's story. Since a lot of the people my age in my life aren't Christians, I've been praying for the chance to get to know other Christian teens and walk together with them in faith. We've only been talking for a few days, but I think the group chat with just the four of us may be the answer to my prayer.

Speaking of prayer requests, I have one for one of the new friends I made through the Mundane Faithfulness group. Her mentor/"second mom" Cathy has been fighting metastasized stage 4 breast cancer, and is nearing the end of her battle. Thinking about where Haley is now reminds me of where I was 6 months ago on my birthday. That's when it hit me that Kara didn't have much time left. Even though I've never know her personally, I consider Kara as my mentor because of all of the lessons she had taught me through her blog and The Hardest Peace. Replaying that one and a half week period leading up to her Homecoming brings back so much every time I flashback to it. I couldn't imagine what Haley was going through since she has so many more memories of her together with her mentor. So if you could keep her in your thoughts and prayers, that would be really great.

God has provided me grace in other areas of my life as well. If you don't know me personally, you will quickly find out that my grades are really important to me. I've only been a high school senior for less than a month, but I've already seen God's grace in action. After my first AP Calc BC test, my teacher warned us that he may not allow us to do corrections depending on our class average. I studied as much as I could and tried my best, but I still didn't do well. Therefore I was devastated when my teacher said he would not allow us to do corrections. However when my friend told me that she somehow got 3 extra points back on her test, I was a bit confused and decided to check my grades online (because why not?). I clicked on my grade for Calc, and I saw 2 assignments there: the original test, and one for getting points back. I totally did not expect that. I asked another friend if our teacher changed his mind, and she said he did.

Grace also showed up in AP Chem and in AP Lit. We took a quiz based on the summer assignment we had to complete in Chem, and after talking to a friend about it, I wasn't sure I did well. However when I got it back the day after, I was surprised that I had gotten the question I was worried about correct, and that I had only made a minor mistake on another question.

In Lit, I was really worried that I didn't do well on a quiz I recently took . Lit is around 11:30am for me, which is usually when new Mundane Faithfulness posts are up. The day I had the quiz was also the day I got my Calc test back, so the thought of it only added to my stress level. When I went on Mundane Faithfulness after my quiz, I saw that day's post, and it felt like God was using the post to directly speak to my heart. While reading Kara's words, I was reminded of what I had learned at Camp Judah that summer: to not worry about what happens during the school year but to trust in Him and His strength.

God has been so good to me.