The Amazing Things about the Childhood Cancer Community

I apologize for the unannounced hiatus. It's been a whirlwind of a few weeks.

There's been a lot of buzz on Instagram about childhood cancer this past week. I will directly address that in a minute, but I thought I would first share some of the amazing things I've observed about the childhood cancer community after being a member for a little more than two and a half years now.

The families of the childhood cancer community have to confront the fear that they may have to bury a child they love dearly on a daily basis. 46 families hear the words, "Your child has cancer," every day in the United States. 7 families have their worst nightmare come true when the child they love finally takes his or her last breath. Childhood cancer is the number disease killer of kids in the United States and many of the treatments today haven't changed even though decades have passed. Yet for some weird reason, the federal government believes that 3.8% of the federal funding for cancer research as a whole is enough to cover for all the kids out there who are currently fighting for a chance to just live a normal life. Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this shouldn't be happening and that something should change as soon as possible. 

I'm sure many of you out there know how stressful a cancer diagnosis can be. Despite this, I often see other cancer parents reaching out to their fellow comrades. With social media, medical updates and messages of support spread like wildfire. I love it because it shows that we're all united to help one another on this road, even if our own experience with the disease is different. As I was scrolling through Instagram in the midst of writing this post, I saw a few more posts about one of the kids I know who hasn't been doing well lately. I've been seeing posts about her all throughout the last few days. For the umpteenth time, I was reminded of how amazing and selfless the people of the childhood cancer community really are. We are still there to support each other even when our own hearts are desperately hurting over how childhood cancer has radically shaken up our own lives. 

As much as I love this, I hate it at the same time. You see, the world of childhood cancer isn't what it looks like on those TV commercials you see every now and then. In the words of one of my biggest role models, Tattoo Tom, "It's not smiling bald headed children and trips to Disney World and happily ever after. It's a big fat lie." Remember how I said news spreads around like wildfire with social media? Well, like most everything, there are both positives and negatives to that. When it comes to the wildfire I mentioned earlier, the bad side is that bad news can spread just as quickly as good news.

For those of you who don't know, the world said goodbye to a beautiful and courageous rhabdomyosarcoma warrior named Juliana a little more than a month ago on October 24th. Tomorrow would be her 15th birthday if it wasn't for cancer. I've only known her for a few months, but she has made such a lasting impact on my heart. To say I miss her is an understatement. She was first diagnosed in 2007 and cancer wouldn't leave her alone for 7 more times after that. Because her journey was so long, so many had known her story and wanted to pay their last respects with tributes of their own when she passed away. I loved that Julie made such a big impact on the world, but it quickly became too much for me. Starting my week with the news that she was gone was hard enough. Having my Instagram feed remind me that she wasn't here anymore every few posts or so only intensified my grief. 

I said at the beginning I would give my two cents about what's been going on over on Instagram lately. I'm sure many of you already know my opinion, but just in case, here it is again: I like the idea behind all of this, but I sincerely believe that more could be done than just posting a picture of a cartoon character. Here are some ideas if you're seriously considering joining the childhood cancer awareness movement:

1. Follow a child's journey.
Social media nowadays allows us to do amazing things, and so many parents are using it to update loved ones and anyone else whom their child has inspired on how things are going. There's a saying that goes, "If you've ever seen a child fight cancer, it will change your life forever." I have many stories I can tell that can relate to that statement, and I know others do as well. Therefore I have no doubts that it's true. 

2. Fundraise.

With so little funding going towards childhood cancer research, it's up to us to do what we can. There are so many ways to fundraise, which is good because we all have our unique ways of gifting. Bake sales, car washes, athletic events... The list goes on and on. 

3. Use your talents in other ways to help benefit the childhood cancer community.

If money isn't your thing, there are so many other ways to get involved! For example, if your area of gifting is art, you can donate your artwork to hospitals or use them as a part of care packages. I know kids love getting mail, and art would really help cheer up a hospital room that would be dreary otherwise. Or if you love to cook or bake and know a local family living with a childhood cancer diagnosis, I know they would appreciate a hot meal or a baked treat every now and then. 

Kusudamas, Cutouts, and Play-doh, oh my!

I've done more art this week than I had in months, and I loved it. I forgot how much I loved creating. 

What I've made this past week

The flower balls are called kusudamas. I first learned to make them at a summer camp a few years ago. After I learned how to make them, I became hooked and I've been making them ever since. I like to compare making a kusudama to a triathlon since there are three main parts to the process. Each kusudama is composed of 12 flowers that have five petals each. If you do the math, that comes to a total of 60 petals. You have to cut out the square for each petal, fold all of them and then glue everything together. You have to glue each petal together and then glue five flowers to each other to make one complete flower. Once you have all twelve flowers, you have to glue them together six at a time to make two halves. You don't glue all 12 at once because you want to attach a loop of string in the middle so you have something to hang it from. It's also a bit of a puzzle since you have to make sure the two halves will fit together before you glue them to each other. As you can imagine, sixty little pieces of paper scattered across a desk can create quite the mess.

My desk in the middle of the process. 

One of the kusudamas I made was for my dear friend Rowan. He is currently in the midst of a critical stem cell transplant process. I recently found out that things didn't go so well the first time, so he has to start back at square one. I wrestled with this news longer than I'd like to admit. One night last week as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking, "Lord, why are you making Rowan go through all of this again? Hasn't he already been through enough?" Then the thing I tell myself whenever fear tries to steal my peace came to mind: "God knew this was going to happen, and He's going to bring good out of it. Just trust Him." I also tried telling myself that same night, "Rowan trusts Jesus wholeheartedly, and it's his life, his body. If he can have faith, you can too."

Last week, I sent out Rowan's kusudama along with some Play-doh. It costed way more than I imagined it would to ship, which would usually be a thought that consumes me for hours. As that came to mind, I realized I wasn't as upset about the shipping fee as I usually would be. I then realized it was because I didn't care how much it cost. My only goal was to give Rowan a well-deserved break from his hard and let him have a bit of fun.

And then I thought, "If only it were that easy."

You see, I would switch places with Rowan in a heartbeat so he could go back to doing all the things he loves.

I wish cutting off all my hair meant that his could grow back and make the swelling in his face disappear.

I wish I could buy enough Play-doh and draw enough pictures of Bigfoot to bribe his body to accept the cells from the first attempt of the transplant.

I wish wearing my 'Rally for Rowan' shirt automatically meant Rowan was going to have a good day.

I am so thankful that Rowan's faith is so strong. It never ceases to amaze me. His positive attitude is nothing short of amazing either. There are so many things I could share, but for time's sake, here's one story that really made an impact on me.

Rowan's chemo treatment made him lose all his hair. When he noticed, he got upset. His mom thought it was because that he was losing his hair, but he said it was really because all the hair that had fallen out was making a mess that he never wanted to make in the first place.

If that's not selflessness, then I don't know what is. His selflessness is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. That's why seeing him like this hurts so much. If you're a praying person, please pray for Rowan as he continues to walk through this hard story that he has humbly received.

Rowan with his kusudama

A Glimpse Inside my Mind

I guess I'll stick to this routine of sharing my heart on Tuesdays. Unfortunately for this week though, I don't have a set topic. So here's a glimpse into the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the course of this past week.

I've been missing Camp Judah a lot lately. I hope I'm not the only one. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart because it's where I officially chose to follow Jesus for the rest of my life the summer before 8th grade. When you're detail-oriented like me, and when you miss something so much, every little thing can be a trigger. It didn't take long for me to find the similarities between college and camp. We have to walk relatively far just to get from one place to another and we have to leave early to allow us to get the travel time we need. Also, the weekly meetings for one of the Christian groups on campus (CRU) are a lot like the chapel services at camp. Lastly, as luck would have it, we recently had a (sort of) water shortage on campus when the hot water was turned off for construction purposes. I am literally counting down the days until I can step foot onto Camp Hickory Hill again. I'm hoping my friends will be able to come with me this year. I want them to be able to experience all the joys of camp.
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Someone who is very dear to me recently told me and everyone else that loves her that she was starting hospice care. As you can imagine, her news was devastating for all of us to hear. I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time the night I heard the news. The only time I remember tossing and turning in bed before finally falling asleep for an hour or more was when Kara flew away to Heaven about a year and a half ago. I set a new record the other night. It took me three hours to finally give in to sleep. I'm one of those people who always look to the future. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about some other people I love who are currently battling cancer. Barring a miracle, I'm expecting the day when the time to support them through their last leg of their journey Home to come around at some point. To say I'm dreading that day is an understatement. I'm praying it won't come for a very long time.
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Lastly, this past week had grief hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm not even sure why ('cause grief is weird). I was thinking it was because September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and I've been thinking about all the kids I know who have battled cancer with everything they had to give but unfortunately still didn't make it. It still makes me lose my breath when I realize I know more kids that have unfortunately lost their battles than survivors. They weren't kidding when they said cancer was the leading cause of death by disease in kids.

I've also been missing Kara a whole lot lately too. Even though it's been a year and a half since she flew away, my grief is still as raw and messy as it was when I saw the dreaded Facebook post all those months ago. The anniversary of the beginning of the Facebook group that was set up as a part of her legacy was this past week, and looking back on our first year together made me miss her a ton. A lot of times when I'm browsing through the posts in the group, I think to myself, "I wish Kara was here to participate in our wonderful community. She would have loved it."

One of the many things Kara has taught me was that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship, but because I'm me, I tend to bottle up tears until I get some sort of trigger that tells my heart it's safe to let them all out. So over the weekend, I found myself revisiting Raising Izzie, a movie I had first seen with a friend of mine. The main characters of the movie had lost their mom to cancer, and seeing them walk through their grief reminded me of what Kara's kids are currently walking through. It didn't help that Izzie's older sister Gertie's big sister love really reminded me of Kara's oldest, Ella.

In the midst of my own grief, I have often felt regret over the fact that I didn't reach out to Kara sooner. I know God's timing is perfect and all that, but the regret is still there. Since the Facebook group that is a part of Kara's legacy began, I have come to know some of her people, and it has been a tremendous blessing. Two of those people happen to be Kara's brother and one of her mentors. Both of them have told me on more than one occasion about how well Kara and I would have gotten along this side of Heaven. Whenever I hear that, the same two thoughts often come to my mind at the exact same time: 1) "Really, that's awesome!" and 2) "Grr... Why didn't I take the time to send Kara an email or something before she met Jesus?" As much as I greatly appreciate those words, hearing them just makes me miss Kara more, if that's even possible.

Because of all this, something I've been thinking about is how God often takes something away so He can give us something better. I am so ready for the something better, but I often wish that He didn't have to take some of the people in my life who have definitely changed me for the better. They were already so great, I can't imagine how things could possibly get better, but I trust God. He knows what He's doing.

So... Yeah. There's the inside of my head for you all. Not feeling too proud right now, but sometimes you just gotta wrestle through stuff and write it down to help you process it all.

What thoughts are you struggling with today? How can you find peace in the midst of your own questions and struggles? How can you trust God with your questions today?

An Open Letter to my Friends

Hey guys,

I’ve been writing this in my head over this last week or so. I thought it was finally time to get my thoughts down.

Ever since we all first met, there was no doubt in my mind that it was providence that had brought us all together. Unfortunately, I've been wrestling with doubt for a very long time. I had big dreams for our friendship right from the get go, and because I’m me, I imagined they would become a reality right away, especially since we’ve all gotten the chance to know one another before stepping foot on campus. I keep forgetting that’s not how things go. I’m just impatient by nature, please forgive me.

Just wanted to start things off by saying that I admire your courage. I'm the kind of person that likes to play it safe, so I don't think I could ever muster up the courage to go study in an relatively unfamiliar environment for four years of my life. I pray you may never lose this courage. It will come in handy for future hard.

Even though it’s only been a few months, I have already gotten to know some pretty awesome things about each of you. Despite this, I know there’s still a lot I have to learn. I don’t know how friendships and community have treated you in the past, but I bet I can almost guarantee that you still carry wounds from people who have hurt you in the past. As much as I wish I could, I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any different. I’m still human, which means I still have rough edges. I hope that you’ll all be able to come to me and ask for forgiveness whenever I've hurt you. When I have, I am more than willing to have you come to me about and work things out. I will definitely strive to do the same. If I ever isolate myself, please be assured it has nothing to do with you guys. The hard I’m currently walking through needs me to just be by myself for a while sometimes. I tend to have a lot of news to process at once, so I just need some time to myself. I pray you guys will be able to understand.

Thank you for bringing the community and friendship my heart has always wanted into my life. I pray our friendship will only grow as time goes on. I know I’ve shared bits and pieces of my story with each of you. I pray I may be able to get to know your own unique story as we spend time together. I pray hearing about the hard I've been through would not scare you or have you pity me, but rather show you that suffering isn’t the absence of goodness, because it isn't. I hope me being open about my hard won’t come across as me trying to prove that what I’ve been through isn’t easy but rather be the starting point for us to all be able to come together and share our hard together. I pray we may be able to be open and honest with each other about our struggles, and that we would always stick together, no matter what hard comes our way. I want to get to know the real you. I want to ask hard questions and be asked hard questions in return. I want to show how much sharing a meal together means to me. I want to cook together and not be able to find anything because you guys have been misplacing everything, not knowing where things are supposed to be. I want to go on road trips and long flights together and explore more of what this world has to offer. I recently revisited an article about four friends who were friends for almost their entire lives and turned 100 together. Even though I know our friendship has only just begun, but I still dream of a similar friendship for us. I want to navigate through all of life’s challenges together. I want to be able to look back on this season of our lives ten, twenty, even fifty years from now and reflect on both the amazing moments and the hard moments of our time together. I want to play piano and sing together like the night after our first run together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night and what an amazing experience it was for me. I pray more nights like that are in store for the future. We already share a love for show tunes; I hope you'll come to love some of my other favorite artists like Ellie Holcomb.

I want to be able to trust you with my heart and my burdens and have the privilege to carry you through yours. Just the other day, I was dreaming of when we would be in the habit of scheduling coffee dates and meals just to enjoy each another's company. I pray that will be a reality in the near future. Another thing I was dreaming about recently was all of us going to camp together. Next to seeing you guys come to know Christ, that’s the biggest dream I have for all four of us. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart since it’s where I officially dedicated my life to Christ after experiencing His presence firsthand there the summer before eighth grade. I have seen so many other amazing things happen at camp since then. It’s also a really fun experience. The efforts of all the directors and the other staff to make it as fun as possible definitely pay off. Many of my fondest memories of camp are so closely tied to the daily muster skits and special events. I want to dream up muster skits, cabin decorations and team entrances together, cheer you on as you go down the slip and slide and struggle through the tough mudder with your cabinmates, and maybe even create a rivalry between us. (Facetious, of course. Which reminds me: Team Joshua is always better than Team Caleb, no matter what team you end up on.) I suck at describing things, so I pray you may just be able to trust me. I pray you would be willing to be a part of it all. I have lots of concerns over the logistics, but I trust that whatever comes will be good.

I greatly appreciate how open you guys are when it comes to my faith, especially since a lot of people's knew during high school weren't, so thanks for that. If you haven't noticed already, my faith is such a huge part of who I am. I am always happy to answer any questions that you guys have about choosing to follow Jesus. I want to be able to show you guys more about who God is with the hopes that you’ll come to love Him as much as I do. Like I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t until the summer before eighth grade when I truly decided to follow Jesus. I had been baptized before then, but I was still living in my flesh, so I wasn’t really maturing spiritually. The hard I walked through the year before greatly made me realize my need for Jesus, so that’s when things really turned around for me. A lot has happened since then, and it has been both hard and amazing. I have stories to tell of when I have hit rock bottom, but I also have stories of how God showed up and did amazing things. I fervently pray and wish you won't have to hit the lows that I have, but I can’t promise anything. However, I do pray that amazing things will continue to happen all throughout your life.

Sorry that this ended up being so long; I knew I would ramble. Thanks for sticking through and hearing my heart. You all mean the world to me, and not much is going to change that.

Here’s to a great four years,
Yahan

The Beginning of a New School Year

It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened lately. I'm not even sure where to start. I just thought I would stop by quickly to share my heart.

I am now officially a college freshman. Even with the obstacles I've had to face already, everything has been amazing so far. I've already made some new friends, and I can't wait to continue making more.

On the topic of starting school, it fully hit me a few days ago how fast time has actually passed over the last few years. Shortly after I started considering the church I currently attend to be my home church, I remember looking ahead to the future and doing the math. I still vividly remember thinking back when I was in middle school about how when I was a senior in high school, some of my younger sisters in Christ would be where I was then. I then came to the conclusion that some of them would be freshman in high school when I became a freshman in college. Well, now that time has come. I recall reading personal narratives back when I was a freshman in high school where the authors mentioned how fast high school went by. After just finishing that season of my life, I can personally attest to how fast the years go. It's hard to believe that the kids I grew up with are now teenagers and taller than me. 

I have loved watching them all grow up both mentally and spiritually over the years. We have all come a long way over the last few years. Because I'm me, I have fears over my younger brothers and sisters in Christ as they begin a new school year, but I have no doubt that God will continue doing amazing things through and among us all. No matter what's in store, I'm looking forward to it all. I know and trust that God's will for all of us will be for our good.

Jesus, thank you for my church community. Thank you for the deep love we share for one another. As we prepare for the school year ahead, I pray you may equip each and every one of us with what we need to impact our world for You. May everything we do bring glory to Your kingdom. I pray this school year would teach each and everyone of us that our nearness to You is our only good. I pray we may grow closer to each other and be able to be open, honest, and vulnerable about our hard with each other. I have no doubt great things will happen during this upcoming school year. In Your name, amen.

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How about you? Are you starting a new season of your life? How will you use this new season of your life to grow? What are your personal goals for this upcoming school year?

To My Fellow Seniors

I have so much to say; where do I start?

I guess I'll start by apologizing. I know it’s weird to start off like this, but I really do regret the fact that I never really made the most out of the time that I got with you all. Hearing about some of your hards throughout this past school year and reflecting back on all the times I could have shown up for you has been hard for my heart. I want to put an end to that trend and start anew. The last thing I want to leave high school with is the feeling that I may have hurt some of you. If that's the case, don't be afraid to come to me about it. I am more than willing to repent if it's needed. After thinking about it for a very long time, I thought I would write to you all before we go our separate ways. I’ve had the privilege of sharing my heart with others before, but this is my first time doing it with such a large group. Please give me grace as I try to express my jumbled thoughts.

Something that I’ve been pondering for months is community. Ever since we first met, I felt distance from you all because of the hard I was walking through at the time. Don’t blame any of yourselves for this though; it’s none of your faults. I now understand why I felt that way. If I never went through the hard I was dealing with at the time, I would have never been traveling the path I’m on now. If I’d never walked this path, I would have never learned how beautiful life really is. I would have also never gained the eyes to recognize that beauty among us.

I don't know about any of you, but a lot has happened to me since we first met all those years ago. Not all of it has been easy, but I know it’s still all worth it. There are still days when my grief over everyone in my life who has gone before me is so close to the surface that it physically hurts. I sincerely hope you never have and never will experienced the pain and heartbreak I have walked through. Despite my pain, I know that this was how beauty was supposed to grow in me. I have no doubt that each of your stories are beautiful as well. I pray you may be able to find the beauty in your own story, no matter how messy or complicated it is. I pray each one of us will not be ashamed of the scars we carry from our pasts, but that we may be able to use those wounds to help us grow. Not just grow as individuals, but also grow as a community. I remember all of us struggling to find our footing when we first stepped into Barker, but we managed to figure things out pretty well over the years. I love the community that has developed among us over the years. My hope for us as a class is that we may go deeper into the relationships we currently have with one another. I pray the bonds formed in this season of our lives may continue to grow even as we part ways after graduation. I hope we may continue to learn how to love one another well even if we are hundreds of miles apart. I pray we may be able to build strong relationships based upon trust and vulnerability. If you notice someone who is struggling, don't be afraid to pursue their hurting heart and ask them about it. I know it’s a hard muscle to learn, but pursuing others and loving them in all their messy and brokenness is always worth it. Genuine happiness and joy are often found after traveling a hard road with someone you love. I pray we may all be willing to walk each other through our hards as we grow up.

I pray this new season we’re heading into will teach us to embrace the joys of life. Not just in the big things like walking across the stage at graduation, but the small things as well:

~A coffee date with friends
~Sharing a meal around a table full of people that love you
~Turning up the loud music up and dancing as you make dinner
~S'mores and stories around a campfire
~Something on Instagram that speaks to your heart
~The friends who know the good, bad, and ugly in your story and are still by your side today
~A beautiful sunrise or sunset
~Driving past beautiful scenery
~Something to laugh about when you least expected it

No matter how hard and desperate things may seem, grace can always be found. Suffering is not the absence of goodness. I pray we may never take anything for granted and that we may be able to find the little bits of goodness that are sprinkled into each and every day of our lives. I pray we may be able to to learn the art of treating everyone in our world with kindness, especially when it's hard.

I pray some of you are already walking with Jesus. If you are, I pray you may always be near to Him. I hope you may still be able to make time for God in the midst of your busyness. I pray you may always seek Him whenever your heart grows weary. He is the well that never runs dry. As a new season of your life starts, I pray you may learn your own mind, your own strength, and how Jesus will carry you when you reach the limits of that strength. I pray your faith may deepen to a depth I can only imagine. Don’t be afraid to pour out the love that Jesus has lavished upon you into those in your life who are hurting. We are called to love like He loves, which a selfless love that pursues the broken-hearted.

If you have made it this far into my words, thank you for sticking through and being willing to hear my heart. I want close by sharing one of my favorite songs. It greatly embodies what I want to say as we all go our separate ways. I pray God may bless each of us in whatever we decide to pursue with this gift of time that we have been given. I also pray we may be granted the grace to gather again 10, 20, and even 50 years from now. May we all have peace over any fears we may have about this new chapter of our lives.

Blessings,
Yahan

Review for Her Texas Family

Her Texas Family by Jill Lynn

I am so glad I didn't let my procrastination get to me when I heard about the opportunity to review this book. I loved Her Texas Family so much, I finished it within a few days. Jill is such an amazing writer. Listening to her speak on the Mundane Faithfulness podcast and in various interviews has allowed me to learn a lot about her. (I also learned we have quite a bit in common at the same time ;)) Despite this, it was through Her Texas Family where I saw another side to Jill: one where she showed off her wit and her strong foundation in the truth of the gospel all at the same time. 

I loved the characters in Her Texas Family. I immediately fell in love with Mattie because she was so much like me when I was her age. Graham is such a good father that it was hard for me to not like him. (The fact that we both have a passion for medicine drew me towards to him as well.) Also, reading about Graham's love and grief for his late wife brought a bittersweet reminder of Jason to my mind. And Lucy… Let's just say that she’s the person you'll have a love-hate relationship with because of how she can be at times ;) 

I am not one to like romance novels, but I definitely give this one 5 stars. Run -don't walk- to get your copy. You won't regret it~

A Day I Never Want to Forget

I really wish our brains worked the way they do in Inside Out. I want yesterday's church service to be a core memory. I never want to forget what happened. 

Funny enough, it started out as an usual church service. We went through the habitual Scripture memorization and teaching, both led by my friend's mom. We learned from Psalm 9:1-10 yesterday. 

Psalm 9

For the director of music. To the tune of “The Death of the Son.” A psalm of David.

1 I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

3 My enemies turn back;

they stumble and perish before you.

4 For you have upheld my right and my cause,

sitting enthroned as the righteous judge.

5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;

you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

6 Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,

you have uprooted their cities;

even the memory of them has perished.

7 The Lord reigns forever;

he has established his throne for judgment.

8 He rules the world in righteousness

and judges the peoples with equity.

9 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

We started talking using these verses to talk about how powerful God is and how much He cares for us, which led to a discussion about the homework assignment my youth pastor gave us last Sunday. He wanted us to write about what Jesus meant to us, why we needed Him, and to also choose Scripture that related to our testimonies. I couldn't wait to start after church because I immediately knew what I would be writing about. However, I had no idea we would be presenting them in front of everyone. When I heard that would be a requirement, I immediately wished I could go hide in a corner. I was not prepared to share at all. Being the kids they are, my little sisters in Christ begged harassed asked nicely for me to share what I've written, so I reluctantly gave in.

The next thing I knew, I was up talking in front of everyone. This was the first time I've ever shared my testimony with others, so of course I was a nervous wreck. My testimony is directly related to how God redeemed me through a very dark season in my past, so I got all choked up as I began to speak. I was only able to get out the three main points of what I wrote before I was to overcome with emotion to speak. When I was done, I was bombarded with hugs by my younger sisters in Christ. I have seen them each grow immensely in their own unique way of big love over the past year, and it's amazing. I really hope they will each continue their journey of learning how to love others well.

Back to the story: I was also nervous about sharing with them because until yesterday, I hadn't really seen evidence that God was working in their hearts. 

I had no idea I was about to hear amazing things. Everyone shared tidbits of wisdom that I didn't know they had in them. I immediately knew that I was wrong, and that the Holy Spirit was definitely working inside of them. 

I will always treasure what my younger siblings in Christ shared, but I will never forget what my younger brother shared. He talked about how watching the news every night made him frustrated because he wasn't really seeing God in any of it. I've seen him do life at home, and based on what I saw, I had almost given up hope that he still wanted to pursue Jesus. Hearing him share definitely renewed my faith in what God was doing in his life. 

It took me a few moments to fully comprehend everything he was saying. I had no idea he still had a passion for seeking Jesus. It was all I could do from crying at that point, and my tears came for the second time that morning. I'm usually the only one that cries at church, so I was surprised when I heard my youth pastor comment on how one of my younger sisters in Christ reacted to my brother's sharing the same way I did. 

One of the many lessons I learned from my mentor Kara is that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship. Witnessing my sister's tears introduced me to a tenderness in her that I had never seen before. Even more of my tears came in that moment. 

It took almost an hour for everyone to share their stories, so worship got pushed back a bit. I like things to run on a tight schedule, so I usually would be upset once I noticed worship was postponed for that long. I didn't even care about that yesterday; my heart was too full after hearing everyone's testimonies. 

My prayer is that what I saw yesterday is only the beginning. One of my heart's deepest desires is for the kids at my church grow up to be amazing men and women that will always live out the gospel. I always want to remember yesterday's church service as a reminder that God is still working in my younger brothers and sisters when I'm struggling to believe so.

Dear Jesus, 

Thank you so much for my church. Thank You for letting me be a part of it for almost 7 years. Even though we're just a humble house church, I know You are still working among us. I pray You will continue Your work so the next generation of our church will be able to start off strong. I pray our friendships with one another will always be built upon You. My prayer for us as a group is that we'll all be able to help one another to go deeper in our faith as we grow up together. I pray we may always be willing to show big love, kindness, and grace to one another, especially when it's hard.

Lord, You know how much these kids mean to me. Please help me love all of them like You do, especially when they need to experience Your love the most. I pray You'll guide all of us to grow into the men and women You want us to be. May we always be lights to everyone in our lives who don't yet know You. 

In Your Name, 

Amen