Dear Kara, Take 2

Pieced together from letters written over the course of the last few months

Hey Kara,

Yup. I'm doing another letter. If I'm counting right, this is the second one that’s appeared on my blog. I hope you won't mind. They say it helps a grieving person to write a letter like this.

I miss you, friend I’ve never met. I miss you a lot. You have impacted my life so deeply. Your godly wisdom and way of words has gradually made its way into the very fabric of my being that abandoning it all would be like denying a part of who I am. Thank you for obeying when God prompted to share your story with the world. I wouldn’t be who I am today without knowing you and your story.

Ellie Holcomb is singing, “The Broken Beautiful” as I was drafting these first set of these words. I feel so grateful you introduced me to her music. She often reminds me of the abundant grace that I desperately depend on to get through every day. Life hasn't gotten any easier since you met Jesus face to face. If anything, it's gotten harder. But as you always said, He is enough and He will provide. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone this deep into my grief. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding it because I know how messy it can get. But lately, I’ve been reminded of how Jesus graciously meets me in that mess, and never leaves me to tackle it on my own. It’s breathtaking. Don’t you love that we serve a God who will never leave or abandon us?

I’m sure you saw Story learn to ride a bike and see Ella get her permit and learn how to drive. (I still cringe every time I realize that I barely know how to drive even though I’m 3 years older than Ella.) I know you must be endlessly proud of your kids. Shortly after you met Jesus, Blythe posted about how your kids were choosing joy even in the midst of their grief. I look to them often to see how I should be choosing joy in the midst of my own grief. Thank you for teaching them so much about Jesus and how suffering isn’t the absence of His goodness. Thank you for sharing so much about your people with your readers. You’ve spoken so fondly of them and loved them so well when you were here; I don’t think I’ll ever forget the love you graciously poured out upon them. I pray I may still be able to get the chance to grow relationships with Jason, Ella, Harper, Lake, and Story one day before we all reunite. I’ve had specific dreams of building a friendship with Ella despite our age difference. I hope that’s alright with you.

I’m also sure you already knew about this “beautiful intruder” that has recently entered your family. I’m so happy for everyone, but I’m still surprised that it happened so quickly. Yet I trust that Jason and Sarah made the right choice. When I first heard the news, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I had a feeling this would happen at some point. I just didn’t expect everything to progress so quickly. I thought years passed before widows were ready to open their hearts to the possibility of marriage again.

I still can’t believe it’s been two years since you flew away. So much has happened since then but I still remember it so well. My birthday will never be the same again. If it wasn’t for the gift box I opened from dear friends of mine after reading the post from that fateful day, the day would have been a lot worse. I still find it interesting that your cancer journey started 9 days after your birthday but ended 9 days after mine. Maybe it’s a God-wink; I dunno for sure. I still remember the heaviness I felt in my heart when I read Jason’s post on my 17th birthday. I also vividly remember the moment when I first read the letter Mickey wrote three days before you met Jesus. I still remember how I felt when my eyes first laid upon the words, “I think this week you lovelies should prepare your hearts.” I still remember the heaviness on my heart from that moment all the way until I saw the dreaded Facebook post. I remember the drop in my stomach I felt leaving church hours before getting the news that night. I knew something was wrong; I just couldn’t articulate it.

I can still see myself opening up Facebook as I was taking a break from making the last few adjustments to the Huckleberry Finn alphabet book I was making for my English class. I still remember tossing and turning for at least an hour after reading the post. I remember recalling what you said in The Hardest Peace about the moment it was all over because of how that just because a reality. I remember waking up to a beautiful sunrise and realizing it was because you were finally Home at last. I remember crying silent tears as I boarded the bus that day.

I remember crying silent tears in English during 8th period because the fact you were gone suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks again. I somehow stayed composed from the bus ride through 7th period, but the dam suddenly broke 8th period. I’m not even sure why. I remember writing sentences after school for the vocab words we got in class. The majority of them were about you because I couldn't think of anything else to write about. I was relieved my teacher didn't comment on it because I was pretty sure I would be in a puddle of tears before I could get a word out. I remember taking an exam in math the next day and then finding out that I got a 63 later that week. I remember taking a Spanish quiz sometime that week in a haze because of my grief and then retaking it again because my teacher was kind enough to extend me grace even though he didn’t know what I was going through. I remember crying all during worship during Bible study and a friend asking about my heavy heart after. I didn’t have the strength to tell her the whole story. I could only quietly mutter something that was supposed to be me telling her that “stuff had happened” that week.

Mickey has told me a few times that we would have gotten along really well. I appreciate her words so much, but it just deepens my regret for not reaching out to you before you met Jesus. Even with everything that led to your Homecoming, I guess my mind was still wrestling with my usual insecurities and also with the lie that there was so much more to your story. Now I know that was all really foolish of me. I’m currently working to change that. I know full well how precious life is. I just have to be courageous enough and take more risks to prove to the rest of the world that I really believe that.

Speaking of Mickey, I’ve posted the poem John Blasé read at your memorial service to Facebook a few times since you flew away. I love it so much. I remember one time when I had quoted the ending. Mickey commented, “I love these words by John. So beautifully spoken about our girl.” Did you catch that? She said, “our” as in, “yours and mine”. In that simple statement, it felt like Mickey was acknowledging my own grief. What freedom I felt when I realized that. If I said, “I wish you were here,” every second of every day, it still wouldn't be enough. You left such a huge mark on the world. I can hear it in the way your girlfriends talk about you. I can also tell by reading the comments people post online. I wouldn't be surprised to see a huge accumulation of gold, silver, and precious stone in your mansion when we finally meet. Until then, I'll be here living out everything you've taught me.

I have no doubt you're enjoying Heaven so far. I hope you have that farm you've always wanted. I also hope you've met some of my other friends already. With both Jesus and you in Heaven, I know they are all in good hands until they are reunited with their friends and family again. I'm sure there have been many extravagant parties as many faithful servants of the Lord have entered eternity after you did. A specific faithful servant I’ve been wondering about is Rowan. How is he? I hope he and his friends haven’t caused too much trouble~

This month marks 3 months since he entered the arms of Jesus. It’s still hard to believe sometimes. I’ve had to send many kids I love to Heaven, but none of them has been as hard as having to let Rowan go. All of this has made me think of that conversation you had with Jill at the playground one day about trusting God even if your worst fears become a reality. I had fears of Rowan dying for weeks, mostly for selfish reasons. His positive attitude has given me the courage to face my own hard. I wasn’t sure how not having that light in my life would impact me. If I’m being honest, it’s been hard. Really hard. It hurts so much. He’s constantly on my mind.

In other news, the MFC is amazing. I'm sure you know about it by now. Mickey always called you a gatherer. I kinda always believed it, but now I'm convinced. I know you would have loved to participate if you were still here. Everyone in the group is such grace. I often hesitate before I post prayer requests because I don't want to be a burden. But I've come to realize that it's ok ‘cause prayer can do wonders. I've made so many amazing friends. Blythe, Stacey, and Ellie do an amazing job of keeping all 4,932 of us in line. I can see why they were given the position of admins for the group. Marcia is such a gifted artist and Anne is so great with words. Connie Sue is such an amazing prayer warrior. She often takes the time to type out her prayers for our requests. Victoria is so strong and has an amazing sense of humor. Karen has such a huge heart for her people and is so witty and wise all at the same time. I could go on and on, but then this would drag on longer than it already has. If I’m being honest, I'm slightly jealous of the MFC sisters that you've already had the privilege to meet up with. I can't wait to be there with you all.

I’m sorry this ended up as me rambling so much; I’ve just had a lot to say. If I’m being honest, I’ve hit some new lows over the last 2 years that I never wanted to hit. But Jesus is enough. I love that part about who He is. I love His pursuing love for each one of us. It takes my breath away every time I think about it. The fact that Jesus still recklessly loves me in all my messy is a truth that will take me a while to fully understand because I know I don’t deserve it.

See you soon,

Yahan

2016 in Review

"...but Mom says that I still have another year and that, 'a lot can happen in a year.' I think she is trying to prepare me for the inevitable."

~Millicent Min, Girl Genius by Lisa Yee

I'm going to be honest... I've been avoiding this post. This past year has brought me to new lows I've prayed I would never reach. But this past year has also been amazing in so many ways. There are many things I'm proud of including but not limited to:

~Surviving senior year with my 6 AP exams that I had to take in the midst of my grief

~Getting the courage to get up in front of my classmates and talk about two of my biggest role models

~Also getting the courage to share the letter I wrote to my classmates a few weeks before graduation

~taking the initiative to be more outspoken about the issues that are important to me.

Walking across the stage at graduation was such an amazing feeling. I still remember that day so vividly. I felt so blessed that my grandparents were able to see me walk across the stage. Both sessions of Camp Judah were amazing this year as well. I really enjoyed getting to know everyone in my cabin during senior camp and watching younger brothers and sisters in Christ grow closer to Him during junior camp.  I'm not sure how, but camp keeps getting better summer after summer. I'm really hoping this trend can continue~ 

A lot of amazing things have happened in my Facebook prayer group as well, including the birth of a long awaited rainbow baby that was born at the beginning of the month. Her momma's pregnancy was not an easy one, and I was anxious with every update that was shared. But when I got the news that the baby I had been praying for over the last few months was finally in her momma's arms, I was so overfilled with joy. I cried tears of joy as I read the news and I couldn't fall asleep that night because I was so excited.

I'm not going to lie though: there was a lot of hard intertwined with the joy. Looking back on all the goodbyes I've had to say this year has made me lose my breath. Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe the world has had to let go of so many beautiful souls, most of them children.

One of those amazing people that have entered eternity this past year was my dear friend Rowan. I've posted about him before.  Things have gone downhill in the last few weeks. His first transplant failed, so a second one was attempted. Unfortunately that didn't go too well either. He passed away due to its complications. He has impacted me so deeply; hearing the news that he passed away was not, and has not been easy. He's constantly on my mind. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive a whole year without him this side of Heaven, but I'm glad I don't have to walk this hard journey alone. I know Jesus is with me every step of the way.

Lord, as hard as this year was, I'm so thankful for everything You've done. Thank You for being so faithful even when I'm not. I couldn't have made it through this year without You. I pray that in 2017, You may continue working in and through me. I pray I may get the chance to tell more people about You and that some of the people I talk to will choose to follow You. I pray that the prayers of salvation I've been praying for months will be answered in 2017.  I pray I may be more aware of what You're doing in my life and that I may be able to take action whenever You need me to. I pray I may be able to face this new year with confidence instead of fear. In Your Name, amen.

The Amazing Things about the Childhood Cancer Community

I apologize for the unannounced hiatus. It's been a whirlwind of a few weeks.

There's been a lot of buzz on Instagram about childhood cancer this past week. I will directly address that in a minute, but I thought I would first share some of the amazing things I've observed about the childhood cancer community after being a member for a little more than two and a half years now.

The families of the childhood cancer community have to confront the fear that they may have to bury a child they love dearly on a daily basis. 46 families hear the words, "Your child has cancer," every day in the United States. 7 families have their worst nightmare come true when the child they love finally takes his or her last breath. Childhood cancer is the number disease killer of kids in the United States and many of the treatments today haven't changed even though decades have passed. Yet for some weird reason, the federal government believes that 3.8% of the federal funding for cancer research as a whole is enough to cover for all the kids out there who are currently fighting for a chance to just live a normal life. Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this shouldn't be happening and that something should change as soon as possible. 

I'm sure many of you out there know how stressful a cancer diagnosis can be. Despite this, I often see other cancer parents reaching out to their fellow comrades. With social media, medical updates and messages of support spread like wildfire. I love it because it shows that we're all united to help one another on this road, even if our own experience with the disease is different. As I was scrolling through Instagram in the midst of writing this post, I saw a few more posts about one of the kids I know who hasn't been doing well lately. I've been seeing posts about her all throughout the last few days. For the umpteenth time, I was reminded of how amazing and selfless the people of the childhood cancer community really are. We are still there to support each other even when our own hearts are desperately hurting over how childhood cancer has radically shaken up our own lives. 

As much as I love this, I hate it at the same time. You see, the world of childhood cancer isn't what it looks like on those TV commercials you see every now and then. In the words of one of my biggest role models, Tattoo Tom, "It's not smiling bald headed children and trips to Disney World and happily ever after. It's a big fat lie." Remember how I said news spreads around like wildfire with social media? Well, like most everything, there are both positives and negatives to that. When it comes to the wildfire I mentioned earlier, the bad side is that bad news can spread just as quickly as good news.

For those of you who don't know, the world said goodbye to a beautiful and courageous rhabdomyosarcoma warrior named Juliana a little more than a month ago on October 24th. Tomorrow would be her 15th birthday if it wasn't for cancer. I've only known her for a few months, but she has made such a lasting impact on my heart. To say I miss her is an understatement. She was first diagnosed in 2007 and cancer wouldn't leave her alone for 7 more times after that. Because her journey was so long, so many had known her story and wanted to pay their last respects with tributes of their own when she passed away. I loved that Julie made such a big impact on the world, but it quickly became too much for me. Starting my week with the news that she was gone was hard enough. Having my Instagram feed remind me that she wasn't here anymore every few posts or so only intensified my grief. 

I said at the beginning I would give my two cents about what's been going on over on Instagram lately. I'm sure many of you already know my opinion, but just in case, here it is again: I like the idea behind all of this, but I sincerely believe that more could be done than just posting a picture of a cartoon character. Here are some ideas if you're seriously considering joining the childhood cancer awareness movement:

1. Follow a child's journey.
Social media nowadays allows us to do amazing things, and so many parents are using it to update loved ones and anyone else whom their child has inspired on how things are going. There's a saying that goes, "If you've ever seen a child fight cancer, it will change your life forever." I have many stories I can tell that can relate to that statement, and I know others do as well. Therefore I have no doubts that it's true. 

2. Fundraise.

With so little funding going towards childhood cancer research, it's up to us to do what we can. There are so many ways to fundraise, which is good because we all have our unique ways of gifting. Bake sales, car washes, athletic events... The list goes on and on. 

3. Use your talents in other ways to help benefit the childhood cancer community.

If money isn't your thing, there are so many other ways to get involved! For example, if your area of gifting is art, you can donate your artwork to hospitals or use them as a part of care packages. I know kids love getting mail, and art would really help cheer up a hospital room that would be dreary otherwise. Or if you love to cook or bake and know a local family living with a childhood cancer diagnosis, I know they would appreciate a hot meal or a baked treat every now and then. 

Kusudamas, Cutouts, and Play-doh, oh my!

I've done more art this week than I had in months, and I loved it. I forgot how much I loved creating. 

What I've made this past week

The flower balls are called kusudamas. I first learned to make them at a summer camp a few years ago. After I learned how to make them, I became hooked and I've been making them ever since. I like to compare making a kusudama to a triathlon since there are three main parts to the process. Each kusudama is composed of 12 flowers that have five petals each. If you do the math, that comes to a total of 60 petals. You have to cut out the square for each petal, fold all of them and then glue everything together. You have to glue each petal together and then glue five flowers to each other to make one complete flower. Once you have all twelve flowers, you have to glue them together six at a time to make two halves. You don't glue all 12 at once because you want to attach a loop of string in the middle so you have something to hang it from. It's also a bit of a puzzle since you have to make sure the two halves will fit together before you glue them to each other. As you can imagine, sixty little pieces of paper scattered across a desk can create quite the mess.

My desk in the middle of the process. 

One of the kusudamas I made was for my dear friend Rowan. He is currently in the midst of a critical stem cell transplant process. I recently found out that things didn't go so well the first time, so he has to start back at square one. I wrestled with this news longer than I'd like to admit. One night last week as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking, "Lord, why are you making Rowan go through all of this again? Hasn't he already been through enough?" Then the thing I tell myself whenever fear tries to steal my peace came to mind: "God knew this was going to happen, and He's going to bring good out of it. Just trust Him." I also tried telling myself that same night, "Rowan trusts Jesus wholeheartedly, and it's his life, his body. If he can have faith, you can too."

Last week, I sent out Rowan's kusudama along with some Play-doh. It costed way more than I imagined it would to ship, which would usually be a thought that consumes me for hours. As that came to mind, I realized I wasn't as upset about the shipping fee as I usually would be. I then realized it was because I didn't care how much it cost. My only goal was to give Rowan a well-deserved break from his hard and let him have a bit of fun.

And then I thought, "If only it were that easy."

You see, I would switch places with Rowan in a heartbeat so he could go back to doing all the things he loves.

I wish cutting off all my hair meant that his could grow back and make the swelling in his face disappear.

I wish I could buy enough Play-doh and draw enough pictures of Bigfoot to bribe his body to accept the cells from the first attempt of the transplant.

I wish wearing my 'Rally for Rowan' shirt automatically meant Rowan was going to have a good day.

I am so thankful that Rowan's faith is so strong. It never ceases to amaze me. His positive attitude is nothing short of amazing either. There are so many things I could share, but for time's sake, here's one story that really made an impact on me.

Rowan's chemo treatment made him lose all his hair. When he noticed, he got upset. His mom thought it was because that he was losing his hair, but he said it was really because all the hair that had fallen out was making a mess that he never wanted to make in the first place.

If that's not selflessness, then I don't know what is. His selflessness is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. That's why seeing him like this hurts so much. If you're a praying person, please pray for Rowan as he continues to walk through this hard story that he has humbly received.

Rowan with his kusudama

A Glimpse Inside my Mind

I guess I'll stick to this routine of sharing my heart on Tuesdays. Unfortunately for this week though, I don't have a set topic. So here's a glimpse into the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the course of this past week.

I've been missing Camp Judah a lot lately. I hope I'm not the only one. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart because it's where I officially chose to follow Jesus for the rest of my life the summer before 8th grade. When you're detail-oriented like me, and when you miss something so much, every little thing can be a trigger. It didn't take long for me to find the similarities between college and camp. We have to walk relatively far just to get from one place to another and we have to leave early to allow us to get the travel time we need. Also, the weekly meetings for one of the Christian groups on campus (CRU) are a lot like the chapel services at camp. Lastly, as luck would have it, we recently had a (sort of) water shortage on campus when the hot water was turned off for construction purposes. I am literally counting down the days until I can step foot onto Camp Hickory Hill again. I'm hoping my friends will be able to come with me this year. I want them to be able to experience all the joys of camp.
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Someone who is very dear to me recently told me and everyone else that loves her that she was starting hospice care. As you can imagine, her news was devastating for all of us to hear. I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time the night I heard the news. The only time I remember tossing and turning in bed before finally falling asleep for an hour or more was when Kara flew away to Heaven about a year and a half ago. I set a new record the other night. It took me three hours to finally give in to sleep. I'm one of those people who always look to the future. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about some other people I love who are currently battling cancer. Barring a miracle, I'm expecting the day when the time to support them through their last leg of their journey Home to come around at some point. To say I'm dreading that day is an understatement. I'm praying it won't come for a very long time.
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Lastly, this past week had grief hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm not even sure why ('cause grief is weird). I was thinking it was because September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and I've been thinking about all the kids I know who have battled cancer with everything they had to give but unfortunately still didn't make it. It still makes me lose my breath when I realize I know more kids that have unfortunately lost their battles than survivors. They weren't kidding when they said cancer was the leading cause of death by disease in kids.

I've also been missing Kara a whole lot lately too. Even though it's been a year and a half since she flew away, my grief is still as raw and messy as it was when I saw the dreaded Facebook post all those months ago. The anniversary of the beginning of the Facebook group that was set up as a part of her legacy was this past week, and looking back on our first year together made me miss her a ton. A lot of times when I'm browsing through the posts in the group, I think to myself, "I wish Kara was here to participate in our wonderful community. She would have loved it."

One of the many things Kara has taught me was that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship, but because I'm me, I tend to bottle up tears until I get some sort of trigger that tells my heart it's safe to let them all out. So over the weekend, I found myself revisiting Raising Izzie, a movie I had first seen with a friend of mine. The main characters of the movie had lost their mom to cancer, and seeing them walk through their grief reminded me of what Kara's kids are currently walking through. It didn't help that Izzie's older sister Gertie's big sister love really reminded me of Kara's oldest, Ella.

In the midst of my own grief, I have often felt regret over the fact that I didn't reach out to Kara sooner. I know God's timing is perfect and all that, but the regret is still there. Since the Facebook group that is a part of Kara's legacy began, I have come to know some of her people, and it has been a tremendous blessing. Two of those people happen to be Kara's brother and one of her mentors. Both of them have told me on more than one occasion about how well Kara and I would have gotten along this side of Heaven. Whenever I hear that, the same two thoughts often come to my mind at the exact same time: 1) "Really, that's awesome!" and 2) "Grr... Why didn't I take the time to send Kara an email or something before she met Jesus?" As much as I greatly appreciate those words, hearing them just makes me miss Kara more, if that's even possible.

Because of all this, something I've been thinking about is how God often takes something away so He can give us something better. I am so ready for the something better, but I often wish that He didn't have to take some of the people in my life who have definitely changed me for the better. They were already so great, I can't imagine how things could possibly get better, but I trust God. He knows what He's doing.

So... Yeah. There's the inside of my head for you all. Not feeling too proud right now, but sometimes you just gotta wrestle through stuff and write it down to help you process it all.

What thoughts are you struggling with today? How can you find peace in the midst of your own questions and struggles? How can you trust God with your questions today?

An Open Letter to my Friends

Hey guys,

I’ve been writing this in my head over this last week or so. I thought it was finally time to get my thoughts down.

Ever since we all first met, there was no doubt in my mind that it was providence that had brought us all together. Unfortunately, I've been wrestling with doubt for a very long time. I had big dreams for our friendship right from the get go, and because I’m me, I imagined they would become a reality right away, especially since we’ve all gotten the chance to know one another before stepping foot on campus. I keep forgetting that’s not how things go. I’m just impatient by nature, please forgive me.

Just wanted to start things off by saying that I admire your courage. I'm the kind of person that likes to play it safe, so I don't think I could ever muster up the courage to go study in an relatively unfamiliar environment for four years of my life. I pray you may never lose this courage. It will come in handy for future hard.

Even though it’s only been a few months, I have already gotten to know some pretty awesome things about each of you. Despite this, I know there’s still a lot I have to learn. I don’t know how friendships and community have treated you in the past, but I bet I can almost guarantee that you still carry wounds from people who have hurt you in the past. As much as I wish I could, I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any different. I’m still human, which means I still have rough edges. I hope that you’ll all be able to come to me and ask for forgiveness whenever I've hurt you. When I have, I am more than willing to have you come to me about and work things out. I will definitely strive to do the same. If I ever isolate myself, please be assured it has nothing to do with you guys. The hard I’m currently walking through needs me to just be by myself for a while sometimes. I tend to have a lot of news to process at once, so I just need some time to myself. I pray you guys will be able to understand.

Thank you for bringing the community and friendship my heart has always wanted into my life. I pray our friendship will only grow as time goes on. I know I’ve shared bits and pieces of my story with each of you. I pray I may be able to get to know your own unique story as we spend time together. I pray hearing about the hard I've been through would not scare you or have you pity me, but rather show you that suffering isn’t the absence of goodness, because it isn't. I hope me being open about my hard won’t come across as me trying to prove that what I’ve been through isn’t easy but rather be the starting point for us to all be able to come together and share our hard together. I pray we may be able to be open and honest with each other about our struggles, and that we would always stick together, no matter what hard comes our way. I want to get to know the real you. I want to ask hard questions and be asked hard questions in return. I want to show how much sharing a meal together means to me. I want to cook together and not be able to find anything because you guys have been misplacing everything, not knowing where things are supposed to be. I want to go on road trips and long flights together and explore more of what this world has to offer. I recently revisited an article about four friends who were friends for almost their entire lives and turned 100 together. Even though I know our friendship has only just begun, but I still dream of a similar friendship for us. I want to navigate through all of life’s challenges together. I want to be able to look back on this season of our lives ten, twenty, even fifty years from now and reflect on both the amazing moments and the hard moments of our time together. I want to play piano and sing together like the night after our first run together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night and what an amazing experience it was for me. I pray more nights like that are in store for the future. We already share a love for show tunes; I hope you'll come to love some of my other favorite artists like Ellie Holcomb.

I want to be able to trust you with my heart and my burdens and have the privilege to carry you through yours. Just the other day, I was dreaming of when we would be in the habit of scheduling coffee dates and meals just to enjoy each another's company. I pray that will be a reality in the near future. Another thing I was dreaming about recently was all of us going to camp together. Next to seeing you guys come to know Christ, that’s the biggest dream I have for all four of us. Camp Judah has a very special place in my heart since it’s where I officially dedicated my life to Christ after experiencing His presence firsthand there the summer before eighth grade. I have seen so many other amazing things happen at camp since then. It’s also a really fun experience. The efforts of all the directors and the other staff to make it as fun as possible definitely pay off. Many of my fondest memories of camp are so closely tied to the daily muster skits and special events. I want to dream up muster skits, cabin decorations and team entrances together, cheer you on as you go down the slip and slide and struggle through the tough mudder with your cabinmates, and maybe even create a rivalry between us. (Facetious, of course. Which reminds me: Team Joshua is always better than Team Caleb, no matter what team you end up on.) I suck at describing things, so I pray you may just be able to trust me. I pray you would be willing to be a part of it all. I have lots of concerns over the logistics, but I trust that whatever comes will be good.

I greatly appreciate how open you guys are when it comes to my faith, especially since a lot of people's knew during high school weren't, so thanks for that. If you haven't noticed already, my faith is such a huge part of who I am. I am always happy to answer any questions that you guys have about choosing to follow Jesus. I want to be able to show you guys more about who God is with the hopes that you’ll come to love Him as much as I do. Like I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t until the summer before eighth grade when I truly decided to follow Jesus. I had been baptized before then, but I was still living in my flesh, so I wasn’t really maturing spiritually. The hard I walked through the year before greatly made me realize my need for Jesus, so that’s when things really turned around for me. A lot has happened since then, and it has been both hard and amazing. I have stories to tell of when I have hit rock bottom, but I also have stories of how God showed up and did amazing things. I fervently pray and wish you won't have to hit the lows that I have, but I can’t promise anything. However, I do pray that amazing things will continue to happen all throughout your life.

Sorry that this ended up being so long; I knew I would ramble. Thanks for sticking through and hearing my heart. You all mean the world to me, and not much is going to change that.

Here’s to a great four years,
Yahan

The Beginning of a New School Year

It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened lately. I'm not even sure where to start. I just thought I would stop by quickly to share my heart.

I am now officially a college freshman. Even with the obstacles I've had to face already, everything has been amazing so far. I've already made some new friends, and I can't wait to continue making more.

On the topic of starting school, it fully hit me a few days ago how fast time has actually passed over the last few years. Shortly after I started considering the church I currently attend to be my home church, I remember looking ahead to the future and doing the math. I still vividly remember thinking back when I was in middle school about how when I was a senior in high school, some of my younger sisters in Christ would be where I was then. I then came to the conclusion that some of them would be freshman in high school when I became a freshman in college. Well, now that time has come. I recall reading personal narratives back when I was a freshman in high school where the authors mentioned how fast high school went by. After just finishing that season of my life, I can personally attest to how fast the years go. It's hard to believe that the kids I grew up with are now teenagers and taller than me. 

I have loved watching them all grow up both mentally and spiritually over the years. We have all come a long way over the last few years. Because I'm me, I have fears over my younger brothers and sisters in Christ as they begin a new school year, but I have no doubt that God will continue doing amazing things through and among us all. No matter what's in store, I'm looking forward to it all. I know and trust that God's will for all of us will be for our good.

Jesus, thank you for my church community. Thank you for the deep love we share for one another. As we prepare for the school year ahead, I pray you may equip each and every one of us with what we need to impact our world for You. May everything we do bring glory to Your kingdom. I pray this school year would teach each and everyone of us that our nearness to You is our only good. I pray we may grow closer to each other and be able to be open, honest, and vulnerable about our hard with each other. I have no doubt great things will happen during this upcoming school year. In Your name, amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How about you? Are you starting a new season of your life? How will you use this new season of your life to grow? What are your personal goals for this upcoming school year?

To My Fellow Seniors

I have so much to say; where do I start?

I guess I'll start by apologizing. I know it’s weird to start off like this, but I really do regret the fact that I never really made the most out of the time that I got with you all. Hearing about some of your hards throughout this past school year and reflecting back on all the times I could have shown up for you has been hard for my heart. I want to put an end to that trend and start anew. The last thing I want to leave high school with is the feeling that I may have hurt some of you. If that's the case, don't be afraid to come to me about it. I am more than willing to repent if it's needed. After thinking about it for a very long time, I thought I would write to you all before we go our separate ways. I’ve had the privilege of sharing my heart with others before, but this is my first time doing it with such a large group. Please give me grace as I try to express my jumbled thoughts.

Something that I’ve been pondering for months is community. Ever since we first met, I felt distance from you all because of the hard I was walking through at the time. Don’t blame any of yourselves for this though; it’s none of your faults. I now understand why I felt that way. If I never went through the hard I was dealing with at the time, I would have never been traveling the path I’m on now. If I’d never walked this path, I would have never learned how beautiful life really is. I would have also never gained the eyes to recognize that beauty among us.

I don't know about any of you, but a lot has happened to me since we first met all those years ago. Not all of it has been easy, but I know it’s still all worth it. There are still days when my grief over everyone in my life who has gone before me is so close to the surface that it physically hurts. I sincerely hope you never have and never will experienced the pain and heartbreak I have walked through. Despite my pain, I know that this was how beauty was supposed to grow in me. I have no doubt that each of your stories are beautiful as well. I pray you may be able to find the beauty in your own story, no matter how messy or complicated it is. I pray each one of us will not be ashamed of the scars we carry from our pasts, but that we may be able to use those wounds to help us grow. Not just grow as individuals, but also grow as a community. I remember all of us struggling to find our footing when we first stepped into Barker, but we managed to figure things out pretty well over the years. I love the community that has developed among us over the years. My hope for us as a class is that we may go deeper into the relationships we currently have with one another. I pray the bonds formed in this season of our lives may continue to grow even as we part ways after graduation. I hope we may continue to learn how to love one another well even if we are hundreds of miles apart. I pray we may be able to build strong relationships based upon trust and vulnerability. If you notice someone who is struggling, don't be afraid to pursue their hurting heart and ask them about it. I know it’s a hard muscle to learn, but pursuing others and loving them in all their messy and brokenness is always worth it. Genuine happiness and joy are often found after traveling a hard road with someone you love. I pray we may all be willing to walk each other through our hards as we grow up.

I pray this new season we’re heading into will teach us to embrace the joys of life. Not just in the big things like walking across the stage at graduation, but the small things as well:

~A coffee date with friends
~Sharing a meal around a table full of people that love you
~Turning up the loud music up and dancing as you make dinner
~S'mores and stories around a campfire
~Something on Instagram that speaks to your heart
~The friends who know the good, bad, and ugly in your story and are still by your side today
~A beautiful sunrise or sunset
~Driving past beautiful scenery
~Something to laugh about when you least expected it

No matter how hard and desperate things may seem, grace can always be found. Suffering is not the absence of goodness. I pray we may never take anything for granted and that we may be able to find the little bits of goodness that are sprinkled into each and every day of our lives. I pray we may be able to to learn the art of treating everyone in our world with kindness, especially when it's hard.

I pray some of you are already walking with Jesus. If you are, I pray you may always be near to Him. I hope you may still be able to make time for God in the midst of your busyness. I pray you may always seek Him whenever your heart grows weary. He is the well that never runs dry. As a new season of your life starts, I pray you may learn your own mind, your own strength, and how Jesus will carry you when you reach the limits of that strength. I pray your faith may deepen to a depth I can only imagine. Don’t be afraid to pour out the love that Jesus has lavished upon you into those in your life who are hurting. We are called to love like He loves, which a selfless love that pursues the broken-hearted.

If you have made it this far into my words, thank you for sticking through and being willing to hear my heart. I want close by sharing one of my favorite songs. It greatly embodies what I want to say as we all go our separate ways. I pray God may bless each of us in whatever we decide to pursue with this gift of time that we have been given. I also pray we may be granted the grace to gather again 10, 20, and even 50 years from now. May we all have peace over any fears we may have about this new chapter of our lives.

Blessings,
Yahan

Review for Her Texas Family

Her Texas Family by Jill Lynn

I am so glad I didn't let my procrastination get to me when I heard about the opportunity to review this book. I loved Her Texas Family so much, I finished it within a few days. Jill is such an amazing writer. Listening to her speak on the Mundane Faithfulness podcast and in various interviews has allowed me to learn a lot about her. (I also learned we have quite a bit in common at the same time ;)) Despite this, it was through Her Texas Family where I saw another side to Jill: one where she showed off her wit and her strong foundation in the truth of the gospel all at the same time. 

I loved the characters in Her Texas Family. I immediately fell in love with Mattie because she was so much like me when I was her age. Graham is such a good father that it was hard for me to not like him. (The fact that we both have a passion for medicine drew me towards to him as well.) Also, reading about Graham's love and grief for his late wife brought a bittersweet reminder of Jason to my mind. And Lucy… Let's just say that she’s the person you'll have a love-hate relationship with because of how she can be at times ;) 

I am not one to like romance novels, but I definitely give this one 5 stars. Run -don't walk- to get your copy. You won't regret it~

A Day I Never Want to Forget

I really wish our brains worked the way they do in Inside Out. I want yesterday's church service to be a core memory. I never want to forget what happened. 

Funny enough, it started out as an usual church service. We went through the habitual Scripture memorization and teaching, both led by my friend's mom. We learned from Psalm 9:1-10 yesterday. 

Psalm 9

For the director of music. To the tune of “The Death of the Son.” A psalm of David.

1 I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;

I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

3 My enemies turn back;

they stumble and perish before you.

4 For you have upheld my right and my cause,

sitting enthroned as the righteous judge.

5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;

you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

6 Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,

you have uprooted their cities;

even the memory of them has perished.

7 The Lord reigns forever;

he has established his throne for judgment.

8 He rules the world in righteousness

and judges the peoples with equity.

9 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

We started talking using these verses to talk about how powerful God is and how much He cares for us, which led to a discussion about the homework assignment my youth pastor gave us last Sunday. He wanted us to write about what Jesus meant to us, why we needed Him, and to also choose Scripture that related to our testimonies. I couldn't wait to start after church because I immediately knew what I would be writing about. However, I had no idea we would be presenting them in front of everyone. When I heard that would be a requirement, I immediately wished I could go hide in a corner. I was not prepared to share at all. Being the kids they are, my little sisters in Christ begged harassed asked nicely for me to share what I've written, so I reluctantly gave in.

The next thing I knew, I was up talking in front of everyone. This was the first time I've ever shared my testimony with others, so of course I was a nervous wreck. My testimony is directly related to how God redeemed me through a very dark season in my past, so I got all choked up as I began to speak. I was only able to get out the three main points of what I wrote before I was to overcome with emotion to speak. When I was done, I was bombarded with hugs by my younger sisters in Christ. I have seen them each grow immensely in their own unique way of big love over the past year, and it's amazing. I really hope they will each continue their journey of learning how to love others well.

Back to the story: I was also nervous about sharing with them because until yesterday, I hadn't really seen evidence that God was working in their hearts. 

I had no idea I was about to hear amazing things. Everyone shared tidbits of wisdom that I didn't know they had in them. I immediately knew that I was wrong, and that the Holy Spirit was definitely working inside of them. 

I will always treasure what my younger siblings in Christ shared, but I will never forget what my younger brother shared. He talked about how watching the news every night made him frustrated because he wasn't really seeing God in any of it. I've seen him do life at home, and based on what I saw, I had almost given up hope that he still wanted to pursue Jesus. Hearing him share definitely renewed my faith in what God was doing in his life. 

It took me a few moments to fully comprehend everything he was saying. I had no idea he still had a passion for seeking Jesus. It was all I could do from crying at that point, and my tears came for the second time that morning. I'm usually the only one that cries at church, so I was surprised when I heard my youth pastor comment on how one of my younger sisters in Christ reacted to my brother's sharing the same way I did. 

One of the many lessons I learned from my mentor Kara is that tears are the evidence of love in a relationship. Witnessing my sister's tears introduced me to a tenderness in her that I had never seen before. Even more of my tears came in that moment. 

It took almost an hour for everyone to share their stories, so worship got pushed back a bit. I like things to run on a tight schedule, so I usually would be upset once I noticed worship was postponed for that long. I didn't even care about that yesterday; my heart was too full after hearing everyone's testimonies. 

My prayer is that what I saw yesterday is only the beginning. One of my heart's deepest desires is for the kids at my church grow up to be amazing men and women that will always live out the gospel. I always want to remember yesterday's church service as a reminder that God is still working in my younger brothers and sisters when I'm struggling to believe so.

Dear Jesus, 

Thank you so much for my church. Thank You for letting me be a part of it for almost 7 years. Even though we're just a humble house church, I know You are still working among us. I pray You will continue Your work so the next generation of our church will be able to start off strong. I pray our friendships with one another will always be built upon You. My prayer for us as a group is that we'll all be able to help one another to go deeper in our faith as we grow up together. I pray we may always be willing to show big love, kindness, and grace to one another, especially when it's hard.

Lord, You know how much these kids mean to me. Please help me love all of them like You do, especially when they need to experience Your love the most. I pray You'll guide all of us to grow into the men and women You want us to be. May we always be lights to everyone in our lives who don't yet know You. 

In Your Name, 

Amen

Goodbye 2015

As 2015 is drawing to a close, I've been reflecting on the events of this past year. A lot has happened both in my heart and in my own life. Because I'm me, I've been trying to prepare my heart for the year ahead. I still remember the moment from elementary school when I found out I would be graduating from high school in 2016. As much as I'm ready to move on with my life, seeing 2016 over and over again still gets me every time. I'm anticipating a lot of change in this upcoming year, and I'm hoping a lot of it is for the better. I have big dreams for my college years~

I know I've already said this, but a huge thank you to those of you who have supported me throughout this whole year. I honestly couldn't have done it without you. You are all gifts of grace to me that I never for one second deserved. ♥ Lastly, thank you Jesus for bringing me through this year. I couldn't have done this without You either. You have totally fulfilled some of my heart's deepest desires this year. Please teach me to continue trusting You with the dreams that have still yet to be a reality.

Best wishes to you and yours for 2016~

What I'm Thankful For

I'm not going to lie; this past year has not been easy. Despite this, I still have a ton to be thankful for. I've always tried to have a grateful heart for what God has blessed me with, but since it's that time of year, I thoughts I would share my heart with y'all.

Even with everything I've had to push through this past year, I am so thankful for:

~God's faithfulness and timing- One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is to give up my own sovereignty and trust in God's. I know He knows the desires of my heart, and I trust they will come to bloom in His time because His blessings have constantly showed up for me at the right time, especially when I definitely didn't deserve it.

~Amazing people in my life- My immediate family and my church family have always been a huge blessing. Even though they annoy me at times, I still love them to pieces. My online friends and the Mundane Faithfulness Community have also been amazing. Even though I've only gotten to know them all through the Internet, we've had a ton of meaningful conversations together and everyone's been great support to me through my hard.

~My health and safety- Even though I had to have surgery when I was very young, everything has been perfectly fine since. I have also been so blessed to not have never been in a seriously dangerous situation. I know this is all because of God's protection over me. Thank you Lord~

~Amazing role models in my life- I have been so blessed to witness amazing men and women of God do life and have them mentor me in my own walk of faith. Some have directly mentored to me, while others mentored me without even knowing it. Nonetheless, I am so grateful to have older brothers and sisters in Christ who will I can trust to always help me focus my eyes on Jesus.

~The promise of Heaven- I was dreaming of what Thanksgiving would like in Heaven just last night. I really hope people celebrate it there, because I got all excited as I was daydreaming. Also, someone in the Mundane Faithfulness Community brought up something a while ago about how we were all invited to her MFC party in Heaven. I can't wait to finally meet everyone~

I'm sure there are things I'm thankful for that haven't made it onto this list because of how forgetful I can be. I sincerely hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving will have an amazing one~

What are you thankful for despite the hard in your life? Do you often take the time to take your eyes off your struggles and focus on the blessings instead? Are there ways you could try to be more thankful throughout the entire year?

My Just Show Up Story

Argh, I broke my promise, as usual. I've started a personal journal recently, so I haven't been posting here as often as I promised.

For those of you that know me personally, you know I love the blog Mundane Faithfulness. God has done so much in my heart through Kara's story. About a month ago, Kara's friend Blythe started a Facebook group for all of us who have come to love Kara's story. I love interacting with other people who want to pursue Jesus even though they're walking their own heartbreak. Kara's new book that she wrote together with her Jill came out this month, and to stay with the book's theme of how to show up for others in their suffering, Blythe has asked everyone in the Mundane Faithfulness community to share their "Just Show Up" stories. I think it's time I share mine...

I've had a lot on my heart recently, but because of my shyness, it's hard for me to share what's going on with anyone. A lot of the people in my life aren't Christians, so I have trouble being open around them since a lot of my struggles have to do with my faith. It's also hard for me to share my heart with anyone at my church because all the other kids are still young; I don't want to burden them.

Even though the kids don't know my struggles, they constantly show up for me. My story has to do with one particular Sunday. All the details are a bit fuzzy since it was a few Sundays ago, but I remember the basics. Because it's hard for me to find venues to share my heart, I tend to keep things bottled up. Everyone reaches a maximum point where they can't keep it in anymore. For me, that's usually during worship because that's when I get the chance to sing out my heart to God. Sometimes I don't have the strength to sing out loud though. When that's the case, I just sit there with tears streaming down my face as my heart quietly sings along to the songs.

That was me the Sunday after I found out that my extended family most likely wouldn't be able to visit like we had originally planned. Having them visit was an event that I had been looking forward to for months, so I was devastated when I found out it wasn't going to happen. There were other burdens on my heart that Sunday, so those only added to my already heavy heart. I think I cried more that Sunday than in any other worship service.

And my friend was there with me the whole time.

She didn't know exactly what I was going through, but she showed up nonetheless and just hugged me through my tears. And for that I am extremely grateful. If you're that friend and you've somehow stumbled across this post, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You may be 5 years younger than me, but you've showed up for me in a big way that I will never forget. I love you sweet girl.

Grace Shows Up

Hey everyone,

Sorry for not posting during the past few weeks, I've had stuff going on again. xP School has also started, so if I disappear, that would most likely be the reason. I'll try my best to post every 1-2 weeks or so though.

A lot has happened since I last posted. For one, I'm excited about how God is still working through Kara's blog, Mundane Faithfulness even after she went Home to live with Jesus. Her friend Blythe, who inherited the blog, created a Facebook group for everyone who has been touched by Kara's story to gather together. It's only been three days and there are currently just over 4,000 people in the group; it's amazing. I am usually pretty hesitant about being added into groups on social media and I usually don't participate much either, but once I heard about the Mundane Faithfulness group, I couldn't wait to get started. I was overwhelmed by how accepting everyone was when I introduced myself and brought up a few prayer requests. I immediately knew I belonged.

When I first joined, I didn't expect to meet people my age. Of course, God exceeded my expectations and led me to not 1, but 3 other young women around my age who have also been touched by Kara's story. Since a lot of the people my age in my life aren't Christians, I've been praying for the chance to get to know other Christian teens and walk together with them in faith. We've only been talking for a few days, but I think the group chat with just the four of us may be the answer to my prayer.

Speaking of prayer requests, I have one for one of the new friends I made through the Mundane Faithfulness group. Her mentor/"second mom" Cathy has been fighting metastasized stage 4 breast cancer, and is nearing the end of her battle. Thinking about where Haley is now reminds me of where I was 6 months ago on my birthday. That's when it hit me that Kara didn't have much time left. Even though I've never know her personally, I consider Kara as my mentor because of all of the lessons she had taught me through her blog and The Hardest Peace. Replaying that one and a half week period leading up to her Homecoming brings back so much every time I flashback to it. I couldn't imagine what Haley was going through since she has so many more memories of her together with her mentor. So if you could keep her in your thoughts and prayers, that would be really great.

God has provided me grace in other areas of my life as well. If you don't know me personally, you will quickly find out that my grades are really important to me. I've only been a high school senior for less than a month, but I've already seen God's grace in action. After my first AP Calc BC test, my teacher warned us that he may not allow us to do corrections depending on our class average. I studied as much as I could and tried my best, but I still didn't do well. Therefore I was devastated when my teacher said he would not allow us to do corrections. However when my friend told me that she somehow got 3 extra points back on her test, I was a bit confused and decided to check my grades online (because why not?). I clicked on my grade for Calc, and I saw 2 assignments there: the original test, and one for getting points back. I totally did not expect that. I asked another friend if our teacher changed his mind, and she said he did.

Grace also showed up in AP Chem and in AP Lit. We took a quiz based on the summer assignment we had to complete in Chem, and after talking to a friend about it, I wasn't sure I did well. However when I got it back the day after, I was surprised that I had gotten the question I was worried about correct, and that I had only made a minor mistake on another question.

In Lit, I was really worried that I didn't do well on a quiz I recently took . Lit is around 11:30am for me, which is usually when new Mundane Faithfulness posts are up. The day I had the quiz was also the day I got my Calc test back, so the thought of it only added to my stress level. When I went on Mundane Faithfulness after my quiz, I saw that day's post, and it felt like God was using the post to directly speak to my heart. While reading Kara's words, I was reminded of what I had learned at Camp Judah that summer: to not worry about what happens during the school year but to trust in Him and His strength.

God has been so good to me.

Thank Yous and Prayers

Sorry for the unannounced hiatus. I was on vacation for 2 weeks, and my parents didn't let me bring my computer with me. We did a lot of driving over our trip, which meant a lot of time for me to think. It also gave me a chance to revisit a book I read in 8th grade, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. I liked the book in 8th grade, but nothing really sunk in when I read it that first time. This time, after a few years, listening to the audiobook helped a lot to resonate with me. (I don't know why, but if I hear something someone says, it tends to stick with me better than if I read it off a page.) I just happened to be listening to Tuesdays with Morrie when it was getting close to (or on, I can't remember) the anniversary of Kara's diagnosis. A lot of the lessons Morrie taught Mitch reminded me of the lessons I learned through Mundane Faithfulness. I then wondered if Kara had read Tuesdays with Morrie since a lot of what they both taught were similar. (And in the words of Morrie, we're all Tuesday people ;) ) I guess I'll have to add asking her to my list of things to do once I get to Heaven.

A while ago at camp, something in my heart was telling me that God was calling me to do ministry right on PFQ. I've been talking with some people, and I think I'm am where I'm supposed to be. Everyone on PFQ has a little trainer card where they can post status updates, and when I see something like "Not in the best mood" or "Need someone to talk to" I try to step in and see if there's anything I can do to help. I've done that a few times already, and I tried to encourage people the best that I can (with the Holy Spirit's guidance, of course). I've been friends with someone on PFQ for a while, and even though he's younger than me, we're both similar in the fact that we both like to think big thoughts. He recently shared with me a truth he came to realize about something that was going on in his life, and when I read it, I was thankful that he had learned the lesson that he did before it was too late. Then as we kept talking, I realized that this was the kind of friendship I had been praying for all along. We get along pretty well, and we're able to share our hearts honestly with each other while having fun at the same time. For some reason, that made me think of the other things amazing things God has done in my heart and in my life recently, and I thought it would be a good idea to list the prayers of my heart and words of thanksgiving for what God's done in my life. I guess I should stop rambling and start.

Thank You God for...
~letting me be a part of PFQ's community and being salt and light to hurting hearts there.
~my friendships on PFQ, especially mine with SuperK1. Thank you for introducing me to someone who is fun to talk to, loves You, and is willing to think big thoughts about our faith with me.
~a wonderful vacation to Yellowstone. I loved getting to spend time with some of my closest church friends and enjoying the beauty of the national parks with them.
~reintroducing me to Tuesdays with Morrie. I'm glad I've matured so much spiritually since the first time I read it and was able to get so much from it as a result.
~introducing me to Kara. Even though I don't know her personally, she has taught me so much and has helped me go deeper into a relationship with You.
~letting me know that it's ok to cry. The pain cuts so deep some days that I can't help it. Kara has taught me that tears are evidence of knowing love, and even though she's in Heaven now, I still love her and miss her a ton.
~planting seeds of wanting to pour out big love onto people in my life before I met Kara and having her blog help guide me as I continually try to find more ways to show love to them.
~The kids at church. They're all a lot of fun, and I love growing in my faith and doing life with them.

Lord, I pray...
~ that SuperK1 and I would continue our friendship and that we may both mature spiritually as a result of our friendship
~for someone I know on PFQ. She recently had to let go of a loved one. Even though I know she's not a Christian, I pray that she may be able to experience Your grace in her life. I pray she may also know Your comfort and peace as she tries to find her footing in her new normal without the person she had to let go of.
~for Tabitha Mori's friend. I know that you are capable of healing her father. I pray that he makes a quick recovery and that her friend may experience You in the midst of her depression and be able to know just how much You love her.  I pray that her family may be able to know Your comfort and Your peace as they walk through this hard.
~for all my church friends, especially my girlfriends. I pray as we grow older physically and mentally, we'll be able to grow in our faith as well. Authentic, godly community my heart's desire for us as we grow older together. I pray that will be possible even as we grow up and leave home to fulfill whatever You have planned for us in that new season of our lives.
~for Kara's community. I know they have settled into their new normal without her, but I know that hard days will come. I pray that they would be able to feel Your presence among them when their hearts are hurting.

Wow, that was long. Thanks for sticking with me through this long post~

Summer Grace

Dear Summer,
Thank you for showing up after a hard school year. I need time before senior year to recharge. You bring slow summer mornings, a nice pace of life after months of running around every morning to get ready for school. At the beginning of every summer, I make a to-do-list for myself to accomplish by the end of the summer. I am almost certain that there will be some things I will not have gotten to. Please provide grace so I won't be too hard on myself when I realize that some things have been left unfinished.

With all this extra free time, I strive to get closer to God as well. This past week at camp I really experienced God and it makes me want to pursue Him more. This summer I'm going to start spending some quiet time in the morning with God. I pray that I will be given grace to hear what He wants to say to me every morning and be able to apply His words to my daily life.

Summer also means watching America's Got Talent. It's one of my favorite shows because it's very unique. I've seen so many interesting acts. I've also seen some pretty amazing talent too. Last summer I saw some very young singers on the show and they became my inspiration to continue singing. I've also seen acts that used their time on stage to show off their talents for God's glory. They are willing to put down themselves by recognizing that their talent is from God. I'm still learning how to put myself down to follow God.

In a few short weeks, my family is going to explore the West Coast with some friends. I am really looking forward to the trip because I get to travel with friends. (As they say, "The more the merrier") The preparation will be chaotic, but it will be worth it. Our parents have been planning this trip for months. I'm excited to see where their plans will take us.

Lastly, I truly believe that summer is the best opportunity to discover who you are outside of the classroom. I really hope grace will show up and help everyone on their own journey of self-discovery.

Looking forward to big things,
Yahan

Camp Judah

This past week I was at Camp Judah. (It's a week long sleepaway Christian camp.) I've been there several times before, but I believe this summer's senior camp was the best camp experience I've ever had (so far anyways). So much has happened during the past few months, I just needed to get away for a week and rest in God's presence. I also enjoyed a week with other teens who also loved God. That was probably what I enjoyed the most. I got to share things with my cabinmates that I normally wouldn't be able to share with my friends back home. I also laughed a lot this week. My favorite part of the week was probably Thursday night right after our annual slip-and-slide. We usually do it in the afternoon, but the directors wanted to switch it up and do it at night instead.

After dinner, all of Team Caleb got together for one last team entrance to the slip-and-slide. While we were getting into our positions, I saw a huge chunk of soap bubbles from the slip-and-slide tumble down the hill towards where we were gathering. I had a mixed reaction to the falling soap. One half of me was thinking "Oh crap, what if it hits us?" the other half was amused that bubbles were rolling down the hill. Unfortunately, the second half of me eventually took over and made it hard for me to not laugh as we were all in line ready to enter the soccer field. The bubbles ended up delaying our entrance by a half an hour, but they were a lot of fun to play with. The actual slip-and-slide was a little annoying though. It was freezing and no one could hear anything that the adults were saying. Even though we were only the third group of cabins to go, we decided to head back to our cabin after because it was getting late. We went to the showers to clean off and then we went to bed.

That's when the fun began (again). Everyone was so tired from the day and the whole week that our brains were just fried. Our counselor stepped out for a shower and we talked for the longest time about the most random things. Because people at camp kept saying a lot of funny things throughout the week, I started writing them down in my notebook. Thursday night held the record for most quotes in the shortest amount of time. (I had written down a handful of them in just a few minutes)

Of course, we talked about Nigel in the midst of our sleepiness. Nigel is a dinosaur that belongs to one of my cabinmates. (I'll post a picture when I transfer it from my camera) He comes up in a lot of our conversations. I'm not sure why, but he always seems to make our cabin laugh.

Another great thing about camp is that I can always guarantee that God will show up at least once throughout the week. Before camp, I was very weak spiritually because of events that had taken place the last few months. Camp allowed me to refocus my mind and my heart back on God. I learned that it's ok if things aren't perfect, that I should always trust God because He knows the whole scope of things that I can't see. I also learned to trust in His strength and not my own. Before camp I was so worried about how I was going to handle all the classes I had on my schedule for this upcoming school year. But at camp, I was reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 and felt God speak to my heart words along the lines of "Don't worry about how past events could impact your future. You can lean on Me and My love to get through this year"

God really used camp to help ease my worries by not only letting me forget and have fun, but also for speaking words into my heart that I desperately needed to hear. This past week will always have a special place in my heart.

Grace in the Midst of Hard

Today's grace letter is about how grace showed up in the midst of a hard season in life.

Dear Grace,
Thanks for always showing up, especially during that week after Kara flew away. That week was extremely hard; I swear grace was the only thing that kept me going. You showed up in so many ways.

Monday was the hardest. I promised not to cry at school and failed before I even arrived. During lunch, my bad habit of getting things over with got in the way and I took a Spanish retake I thought I was ready for. In the midst of my grief, I ended up getting everything wrong. Without knowing my struggles, my teacher extended grace to me by allowing me a retake on the retake. I was so grateful for that. That week I also had a math test that I didn't do so well on. Thank you for letting me do corrections and improve my grade.

Thank you for also letting me be able to cry and grieve during worship at Friday's Bible study. I was leading worship, and since I didn't really have words to express everything at the time, I chose songs that helped me express my heart. I cried more than I had ever cried during worship that night. A friend noticed, and asked me why I was crying so much. Because I didn't really have the words yet, all I told her was that "stuff happened that week". If you're that friend (maybe you remember who you are?), now you know the whole story.

Even though that was a hard week, thank you, grace, for helping me pull through. Thank you for also getting to know you better through Kara's story.

Hope to see you again soon,
Yahan

Next week's letter will have to be posted the following week. I'm at camp all week next week.

Love and Forgiveness

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

I'm sure most, if not all, of us have heard about the tragic events in Charleston. But what some may not know is how the victims' families responded to the tragedy. In a bond hearing, the victims' families got a chance to speak to the suspected killer, and they lived out Colossians 3:13 by forgiving him and encouraging him to repent from his sin. As I was watching the videos on CNN, I couldn't help but think, "As Christians, this is how we're all supposed to represent God's Kingdom, by showing God's love to others despite their wrongdoing" As many of my friends aren't believers yet, this encouraged me to continue showing love to them despite things they've done that hurt my heart. 

If anyone's interested, here are the videos I was mentioning earlier. I hope they will encourage you to reach out to someone in your life who needs forgiveness today.

How can you reach out to those in your life who don't yet believe today? Do you feel forgiven by God? If so, would you be able to pass on that forgiveness to others despite what they've done?

Grace Today

Dear Grace,

Thanks for showing up in so many ways today. One of those reasons being letting me write in the midst of a chaotic finals week. Yes, this week's grace letter has turned from a Tuesday Grace Letter to a Wednesday Grace Letter, but it's written.

Today I got to go home right after my Pre-Calc final. I usually have to stay at school for at least an hour to wait for the bus, but today, I was able to get a ride home from a friend. Going home early let me be able to finish a lot of the work I had to get done for my upcoming church retreat. I went to my other friend's house and got a lot done. The trivia game I'm making is almost complete, and my talent show act is coming together pretty well. I am so excited for this retreat, it will let me run away after a hard week of finals.

But just focusing on today, I got to relax. There's not much I can do to prepare for my English final since it is mostly skill based, so I get time to wind down and shorten my to-do list. I've had back-to-back exams up until now, so the break is nice. However, I'm a little worried about how I did on my exams. Please calm my anxieties when they come in the future. I know worry tends to drain a lot of my energy, and I don't want it to, especially since I need all of it for the weekend. So would you mind showing up and help me not get too stressed?

Thank you for letting me get to know another one of Kara's best friends. Today I got to hear the second half of Corrie's story. I love these "Kindred Spirits" posts. They help me get to know the people who have played a huge role in Kara's story better. Getting to know her friends has made me reflect on my own life and wish I had the same community Kara got to enjoy. Maybe that day will come soon, but today I can enjoy the grace that comes with showing love to my friends that don't yet believe. I hope some of them will choose to follow Jesus soon.

Earlier this afternoon, I went for a short run with a friend, and it was really hot. Luckily, when we met again later to go biking, it was a lot cooler. It was just the right temperature for biking. Not too hot, and not too cold. It was only slightly chilly, enough to provide a breeze to cool yourself down during your workout. It was the perfect way to end the day.

Thank you for letting me find grace in the small moments. I really enjoyed writing this letter. I hope I'll be able to find as much grace as I did today every day.

Sincerely,
Yahan

What about you? How have you found grace today? Were you able to find it in the small things in life?